You Tell Me

Author: Jeannine Vegh

A woman emailed me from my website, for survivors of domestic violence, and asked me what type of self-help books did I recommend. That is a good question I thought, what books would I recommend, after all, there are hundreds of good manuscripts designed to reshape the viewers life and turn it into a more fulfilling piece of work. I searched and searched in my mind, but it came up blank. What books had I read, what motivated me and then I remembered one vital piece of information - Trust your instincts.

Part of the reason that we have a need for self-help books is that we don't trust our instincts. This means that we don't trust ourselves. And why should we? Since we were little children we began to learn that our imaginative minds were all make believe and none of it would ever come true anyway. It was fun and cute when you were a toddler and even in the first few grades of school. But come pre-pubescent and what followed later we had to start “growing up.” We had urges, desires, fantasies, and ideas, but we were told that it was silly, childish, or downright stupid. But was it? If you had followed your instincts, the ideas that you had as young child, what would you be doing now?

I would have been a nun (I wasn't Catholic, but I liked the movie “Song of Bernadette”), what would have been so horrible about that? At least I wouldn't have married a man who abused me. Maybe I would have been that archeologist. It seemed fascinating to me, going to other countries and digging for these historical pieces and maybe treasure! Of course, now I know that my chances of getting out of the classroom might not be to great, and according to an ex-archeology team member, you wander around for hours staring at the ground. You don't make much money in either position either. But yet both have a very spiritual connection to them, they are both centered on your love and passion for the process. Perhaps I would have been happy doing that. And perhaps you too could look back into your life and see what you would have been doing if you would have followed your instincts.

When I wrote back to this young woman, I told her to go to the bookstore and check out the self-help, spirituality, women's issues shelves, or any other shelf that attracted her. I said that it would be a lesson in trusting her own self that she should pick up whichever book attracted her. What I also explained was that once you get home and begin to read it, you will be amazed at how it seems to fit your life exactly. The reason for this is that you know, deep inside, what you really want and need; you don't need me or anyone else to tell you. However, we ask for someone's help because we haven't exercised this muscle for a very long time. We have closed down the psychic channel in our internal television sets and put the remote control on pause.

Never fear, there is help and you too can reprogram your channels! It takes time to rebuild your psychic connections because you still will have a lot of self-doubt. Do you know, I have wanted to have a teddy bear for my entire life, but I wouldn't allow one in my home until a few weeks ago? I had tons of dollies and other stuffed animals, but no teddy bears, no reason, just didn't. When I became an adult it seemed silly. I laughed inside at girls who had them and thought they were immature. A therapist in Santa Barbara uses them in her practice, and even sells them, but I thought they were too expensive. Well let me tell you, it is very healing to have something to hug for a single person living in a “no pets” apartment world. The bear watches television with me, it keeps me warm (next to my blanket) and I nurture my feminine side. We can have very strong masculine personalities when we are dealing with abusive pasts! You'd be surprised what a teddy bear can do to bring back the woman child inside of you.

Self-doubt will cause your mind to go topsy-turvy and you will get confused sometimes. But don't worry when you least expect it, the answer will be there. Here are a few ideas for building your inner connection.

1. The ATM machine - a therapist I once had told me to ask a question out loud and then be quiet and wait for the response in my head. The first thing that comes to you is the answer. She said it was like an ATM, you put in the card/question or data, and then it gives you your money/answer or result.
2. Just do it! - You know, like the Nike ad. Cosmopolitan gives lists in the corners of their magazines each month that gives you tips on things to do for yourself. Well, do them if you like them, but not if you don't. Feel like an ice cream sundae, have one. Heard of a workshop that sounds interesting, but aren't sure if you have the money…GO! Remembered something from childhood, recreate it. I used to eat Chef Boyardee Ravioli and canned greened beans once in awhile, it reminded me of a babysitter I had who I am far away from now. The teddy bear I never had, well now I do and it isn't just for my clients. Maybe you always wanted to be a dancer - take dance or singing or piano, whatever.
3. Dreams and Journaling - Dreams have answers for us, they are our unconscious. Learn what they mean. Do a journal of your dreams, your thoughts, and go back and re-read them once in awhile to see where you were and who you are now. See if your dreams have any correlation with events that have happened in your life.
4. Spirituality - Not religion, but spirituality what do you really believe? What are you passionate about and what do you find brings great happiness to your life? For some people it comes from the arts, others get it from their gardens, pets, nature, physical fitness/nutrition, reading, designing, whatever comes from your heart. Take time to investigate what this means to you, what is it to be spiritual? Yes, it can be divine guidance, but if you can't get past the organized part and the need to fix everyone, then you are missing something. The spiritual connection is autonomous; you can't give it away.
5. Hobbies - I know, everyone always says, “Get a hobby.” This isn't easy to do, especially when you have held yourself back and told yourself, (and others) “Oh, I am not an artist.” Before I got my degree at JFK University, I was not an artist. I didn't write, I just put thoughts down on paper, and nobody would like them anyway. I didn't paint portraits, like my great-uncle was famous for in the 60's, down amongst the well to do in Texas, and with a few assorted celebrities and politicians. Yet when I went to JFKU, many of my classes consisted of collages (kid stuff, but I love it), personal drawings, creative speeches, body movement classes, and a host of other artistic endeavors. After all, I was in a holistic program. Now I am an artist. I don't know what you like to do but trust yourself, take a class on candle making, herbs, Chinese cooking, sushi wrapping, doll house building, train modeling, whatever makes you “whanna”.