I Yelled at My Kids
by
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
I really hadn't meant to yell. But the aftermath
of it lay before me. My son was a wimpering mess
on the floor and my daughter sat statue-like on
the chair in front of me.
As I sat there considering my next move, it
occurred to me that I needed to do something
quickly. The deafening sound of silence reminded
all of us that an ugly moment had just occurred.
And a voice inside me continued to insist that my
kids were at fault.
"OK, you two, I'm sorry I yelled like that, what a
dumb thing to do!" As I moved toward my son, it
became evident that he wanted no part of me. "Get
away from me!" he shouted.
I thought better of telling him not to yell at me,
so I did the only thing I could think of doing.
"Crabby Daddy is back," I proclaimed as I
transformed my hands into pincers and crawled in
crab-like fashion towards them. "I love to yell at
children, then eat them!"
My son continued to yell at me to go away, but now
he was laughing and crying simultaneously. My
mission to undo the damage my yelling had caused
was underway. I'd been able to recover quickly
this time, but I knew that this moment would be
remembered for awhile.
Most importantly, I wanted to remember what had
really happened. What happened was that I wasn't
disciplined. I failed to control my emotions in a
way that my children could emulate.
Were my children misbehaving? Absolutely. Is there
a part of me that wants to blame them and let them
know how badly they were acting? No question. But
this is the part of me that serves my ego. It
shows my children how to avoid responsibility and
blame others. It's not my "best self."
And it's our best self which we must always search
for when we're with our children.
Our kids don't need perfect parents, and they
won't get them. But they do need parents who
strive to get better. I'm reminded of the words of
Emerson, who said, "When a man lives with God, his
voice shall be as sweet as the murmur of the brook
and the rustle of the corn."
If in our lifetime we could speak to our kids with
a voice this sweet, it would be enough.
But until we reach this level, what should we do
after we yell at our kids?
Here are five ideas:
1. Recover quickly
Recovering emotionally (or
faking your recovery) will make it much easier on
your children and show them how to be resilient
themselves.
2. Apologize, but don't overdo it
It's important
to say you're sorry, but don't dwell on it and
don't show signs of pity. This will help create a
victim of your child faster than the drop of a
hat.
3. Avoid finding ways to blame them
It's
incredibly easy to blame your kids when you're
angry. It's OK to say, "When I saw you hit your
brother I felt angry," but avoid saying, "You made
me angry." You're responsible for your own
anger--teach this to your children.
4. Process the incident with them
Children can
be traumatized by yelling, and it helps to talk
about what happened for each of them. Ask them
questions about it and allow them a chance to talk
about it if they'd like.
5. Don't beat yourself up about it
You don't
have to envision your kids twenty years from now
telling their therapist how you screwed up their
life! Kids are pretty resilient and they'll
recover, especially if you follow these steps and
keep working on yourself.
While we're not perfect, we can still search for
the voice as "sweet as the murmur of the brook and
the rustle of the corn."
It might even keep your kids out of the
therapists' chair.
The
result is a complex matrix of ideas, many of which you didn't
even know you had. If you wish, compose these thoughts later into
a cohesive essay that says exactly what you want to say. Or simply
move on.
What You Need to Begin Journaling
* Paper. The only thing you need is a notebook so your ideas don't
get lost. Some journal-writers swear by the loose-leaf notebooks
so they can insert pages, but I'm always afraid of losing some
of the more personal pages, and I don't want anything to inhibit
my ability to write freely and honestly.
Other
journal-writers opt for the expensive, hard-bound journals, reasoning
that the journal will be a keepsake.
These
work just fine, as long as you are able to write freely in such
a formal book. Some of the things you will be writing will not
be pretty. If you are afraid of making mistakes or you feel inhibited
with this kind of notebook, you're better off with a plain old
spiral bound from Wal-Mart (my personal favorite.)
Some
of you will be creating more drawings than essays. If that's you,
consider a wire-bound sketch pad.
*
Pen. Treat yourself to just the right pen. Test some of the expensive
pens. See how they feel in your hand and how the ink rolls across
the page. The best choice is one that allows you to write quickly
and smoothly.
I
personally love the easy-flow fountain pens because the color
comes out so bold that it makes me feel more confident. And it
practically glides itself across the page.
*
Environment. Your journal should always be there when you need
it. Write on the bus, in the office, or late at night when insomnia
strikes. If you have the time, a regular writing ritual can be
very soothing.
If
you do wish to write in the same place and at the same time every
day, create the ideal writing space for you. Maybe you're most comfortable in a rocking chair surrounded
by pillows and candles and Schubert tunes. Or maybe you prefer
silence and a cherry wood desk or a gentle breeze and a rickety
porch swing.
Whether
you set a time for writing each day or you do it on the fly, make
sure the time you spend writing in your journal is time solely
devoted to you and your task.
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Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is the author of "25 Secrets of Emotionally
Intelligent Fathers" http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm
Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, "Dads, Don't Fix Your
Kids," at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
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