Learning To Love Ourselves

by Robert Najemy, © 2002

Our doubt concerning our self-worth is the main obstacle to our emotional and inter-relational harmony. This doubt is the cause of our greatest fears such as being rejected, laughed at, ignored, unloved, and most of all, of being alone.

Loneliness and Doubt

Loneliness is the disease of our age, and its cause is self-doubt. Fear of being alone is perhaps our most ancient one. It comes from the fact that in the past, he who was not accepted was ostracized from the group. In those days, that did not mean simply feeling lonely, but also being unable to survive.

Another factor that makes us fear rejection or not being accepted by others is the fear of being punished by them or by God. We have been brought up to believe in a God, whose love is conditional, depending upon whether we are perfect in His/Her/Its eyes or not.

Childhood Programming

We receive messages from our parents and other important persons throughout our childhood years concerning whether and under what conditions we are good or worthy.

As children, we learn from adults that we must measure our self-worth by:

1. What others think of us.
2. The results of our efforts in school, our profession and life.
3. Our appearance
4. How we compare to others.
5. How much we know.
6. How much money we have.
7. And various other conditions
   

Our doubt of our self-worth then becomes our greatest obstacle to inner peace, harmonious communication and loving relationships. These doubts are the foundation of most of our negative emotions and relationship conflicts.

If we had more self-acceptance, we would have less need to prove ourselves to others.

Then we would not feel offended so frequently and we could overlook others’ negativity and be at peace with them regardless of their behavior.

Let us now look at how we can increase and stabilize our self-acceptance.

The first step is to discover the situations in which we lose our sense of self-worth or self-acceptance.

The reasons we most often loose our feelings of self-worth are examined in the following questionnaire.

Obstacles to Loving Ourselves

In which situations do you lose your sense of self-love, self-worth, self-esteem or self-acceptance?

1. When others ask for your help and you * do not say "yes" *, or do not respond.

2. When you have * made a mistake * or have * failed * at some effort.

3. When * others are more capable * than you are at certain tasks or concerning certain qualities (i.e. intelligence, artistic ability, speech, sports, cooking, professional success, their children’s success, economically, making friends, employing disciplines).

4. When * others attract more attention, * esteem and respect in a group situation.

5. When others * have offered more to you * than you have offered them.

6. When you are * not perfect *.

7. When * others criticize, are angry at or reject you *.

8. When * others do not agree with you or believe that you are wrong *.

9. When others * are able to manipulate you *.

10. When * you have "created" pain * for others.

11. When you are * not in harmony with your conscience *.

The accompanying more detailed questionnaire will help us determine more clearly when we lose our feelings of self-worth. We suggest that as you read through it, you mark those items that might relate to you.

I Tend to Lose My Feelings of Self-Worth:
(Worth what; love, happiness, health, success, satisfaction?)

1. When others criticize me, blame me, or do not approve of me.
2. When others are angry with me.
3. When my children, spouse or parents are not happy, healthy, successful,
or satisfied.
4. When I do not know as much as others around me.
5. When I do not have an intimate relationship partner.
6. When my house is not clean and in order.
7. When my partner shows interest in others.
8. If I am not successful professionally.
9. If I do not have enough money.
10. If I am not attractive to the opposite sex.
11. If I do not make an impression on others.
12. If I do not have many sexual successes.
13. If others do not respect me.
14. If my child is ill.
15. If I do not have what others have.
16. If I am not perfect.
17. If I do not achieve many things.
18. If others are able to cheat or mislead me.
19. If I do not have ___________________________
20. If I do not do______________________________
21. Other reasons ___________________________

Social Programming or Conscience

Once we have established the particular situations or stimuli that obstruct our feelings of self-worth or self-acceptance, we will need to separate our answers into two groups.

1. Those which have to do with * social programming * and not with our conscience. In such a case, we need to analyze each reason separately as weattempt to discover and change the beliefs that cause us to lose ourself-acceptance in those situations.

When we lose our feelings of self-worth because of social programming we arebuying into societies illusions concerning who is worthy and who is not. Weare measuring ourselves by superficial standards set by society such asmoney, appearance profession etc, and not by our conscience, such as honesty, love, sincerity, selflessness etc.

2. Situations in which we reject ourselves because our * actions are not inalignment with our inner conscience *. We behave toward others, as we wouldnot like them to behave toward us. Our answers to 10 and 11 in the first questionnaire might indicate such situations.

In such cases, we are interested in how we could react differently in thosesituations so that our behavior is in tune with our conscience.

In these second cases which have to do with conscience, we will most often find that we behave in such ways because we are being controlled by the previous categories if social beliefs.

For example we tell lies (matter of conscience) because we believe that our self-worth depends on what others think about us and thus want to hide thetruth from them

The final solution for the matter of self-worth is to realize that allbeings deserve love and respect exactly as they are regardless of all theirflaws simply because they are unique aspects of divine creation- just as all flowers and all of nature.

In such a case, we must not confuse one’s ability and/or morality with worthiness of love and respect. As aspects of divine creation all deserve love and respect regardless of ability or morality.

The difference is that those who have ability deserve positions of greater responsibility that those without. While those without morality do deserve our love and respect they may not deserve trust or freedom to move about in society, until they are healed of their problem.

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�2002 Robert Najemy

For more thoughts on this extremely vital and extensive subject click here.:http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/research/selfacceptance.html

(Adapted from the "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Najemy available at http://www.Amazon.com and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. This book and other writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.)
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Maybe you knew it was coming. Maybe you didn't. You've been dumped.

So, other than moping around in your pajamas, spending quality time with Ben & Jerry, what can you do? Well, clear away that mountain of soggy tissues, and I'll tell you how to get through the worst of it, the first 30 days.

Three things: Take care of yourself. Give yourself time to mourn.
Move forward.

The first 48 hours.
The first 48 hours are the toughest. Give yourself at least one full weekend to cry your eyes out, eat junk food and lie around on your couch in a broken-heart coma watching sappy movies or a kung-fu marathon. Try to throw a few comedies into the mix if you can, laughter is good for you. If you want to be alone now, be alone. If you want to be with friends, by all means, invite them to console you. Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Don't e-mail your ex. Don't see your ex. Turn your answering machine on and screen your calls. I'm not saying you should never talk to your ex again, but give yourself at least a month or so to build up your ego again. If you think you might be tempted, by all means, invite a friend over to run defense and keep you away from the phone. Next, force yourself to think of the relationship as over. I know that's tough right now, but it truly is necessary. Grieve for what it was, and consider it dead and gone.

The first week.
After your first 48 hours, it is important to get off the couch and take a shower. Not just for hygiene reasons, (but trust me, by this time you'll really need it) but because it's now time to start taking action. Take down all photos that include your ex. If you need to have a ceremonial snapshot torching, by all means, go ahead. Put all reminders of your ex (letters, gifts, photos, etc.) in a box and stuff it way in the back of your closet, or better yet, your garage - someplace you won't see it on a regular basis. If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you - the more humorous, the better. Think hard, I know there's something…

• The way he gave the exact same 22-minute response to every
  single person who asked how his job was going for three solid years.
• The psycho-squirrel noises she made when she laughed.
• The cheap, ugly, green, plastic phone he gave you for Christmas.
• The way she tried to hold in her sneezes, producing that imploding, snorty noise instead….
  

Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Start returning to your normal life. Take an extra 20 minutes with your appearance this week. Sure, you may not feel like getting dressed at all, but trust me, if
you look good, you'll feel even better. Wear something that makes you feel stunning or confident. Nothing smoothes the ragged edges of a recent break-up like a few well-timed compliments. If your weekend on the couch still shows in your face, put some tea bags on your eyelids.

Make plans with friends for every Friday and Saturday night for the next month, and stick to them. Get out and go dancing. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but you'll find it's a fantastic release. The music and physical activity will make you feel tons better. Speaking of which, exercise four times this week. Yeah, I know you won't feel like it, but do it anyway. You need those happy endorphins that exercise brings. Do a little bonding with your pals. Go to a basketball game, or even bowling. Just get out of the house. One last thing for this week, schedule a massage. You need it!

The second week.
Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Make a detailed list of all your good qualities. Remember, you're a unique, wonderful, person, and someone (probably several someones) will fall madly in love with you, and you with them. Keep your plans with friends every weekend, and by all means, do something physical, or humorous, like going to a comedy club. Work out (three times this week, and for the rest of the break-up survival period), go rock climbing, or dance like the Backstreet Boys in your living room (nobody will see you.) Get your heart rate going. Aside from making your body look good, you'll
boost your mood as well. This week is all about pampering yourself. Get a pedicure, or sit in the sauna. You've been through a lot, and you deserve it. Spend some of your newfound time (and probably extra
cash, too) on something just for you. Guys, you may be feeling the need for some type of electronic device you've been putting off. Now is the time. Girls, all I can say is, SHOE SHOPPING! Treat yourself to a little something nice this week, and every week for the rest of the month.

The last two weeks.
Whatever you do, don't call your ex. You're halfway through the black period, and the worst is over. This is when you'll start easing back into your pre-girl/pre-guy routine. Be a little selfish with your time, and do exactly what you want to do. You should be focusing on taking care of yourself right now. Now is also the time to start making long-range plans. Make two plans: One plan for a vacation (even if it's three years away,) and one plan for your life. You have a clean slate, what do you want to do? Go back to school? Become a rock star? Learn how to make crawfish traps? No one is holding you back now. Write down your goals, and the steps you'll need to take to reach them.

Holy Moly! Before you know it, the entire month has gone by. You're through the thick of it now, and on the road to recovery. Sure, you'll hit some bumps along the way, but you'll live through this. You've made it this far, and you'll be a stronger, wiser person because of it. Someday, you'll meet someone who will love and appreciate you for the amazing person you are. And this break-up, which is so awful now, will just be one forgotten U- turn on your path to true love.

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�2002 Lisa Daily

Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped! All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry `The One' in 3 years or less -the most effective (and hilarious) dating book you'll ever read! For more information, visit http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
or email [email protected]

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