Boundaries and Compromise:
How we start out with something and end up with nothing.
By: Jeannine Vegh, MA

For many years I have been told and have told others that to find the right man you need to make a list with three categories. The first category is "What you want in a man," the second is "What you are willing to accept" and the third is "What you absolutely won't accept." People have told me they have had much success with this exercise and I am positive that it has to do with the fact that they are mentally considering and visualizing this ideal mate. I applaud those who have found results and have empathy with countless others who are still searching.

It is the still searching I concern myself with in this article, but don't stop reading if you think you have great results. There is always food for thought, especially when we think we have nothing to learn. After having reviewed this exercise above, and having gone through many failed relationships, I found it was my duty to reevaluate. This reexamination meant analyzing the exercise and coming up with a new theory. Last night I had a breakthrough. By taking the three categories and summing them up into one or two words, I found you would get this:

First Category - What you want in a man, really means - Good Things. The good things you want from a relationship. The answer comes by way of keeping strict boundaries. If you think about it, it really doesn't matter what the man offers, or looks like, this is all very basic and um shallow. When you really think about it, there are specific things you want in a relationship. Perhaps you want the traditional response - get married, have kids, commitment, love and trust. Then there is the modern woman - an equal partner, may or may not have kids, your career is important, marriage is a possibility, as in if the partnership is an asset great, if he is a liability dump him. Either way, if you - yes you are in charge here - meet a man who agrees with your goals in life, then you have found the right man.

Note about first category: Now I know you are getting upset and anxious because you are checking back in with the shallow category. What if this right guy is ugly and stupid and poor? Let's think about this. A) You don't attract ugly people, you have common sense and will only talk to someone you are interested in. B) If the guy is stupid, you won't even get passed the second sentence before you walk away and C) If he is poor, does he have ambition, is he in college, this question is irrelevant and really depends on the circumstance. Although lets say the guy is poor, has no intentions of going to college or making anything of his life. What was it that attracted you to him in the first place? And what is your point for staying? The answers still lie in the First Category response which was keeping strict boundaries. If the guy doesn't agree with the goals you have set in life, then he isn't the right man. Now let's move on to the second category, the tie that ends up binding us - with the wrong man.

Second Category - What you are willing to accept - Compromise. Yes girls all this really means is that you are compromising something about yourself to take this man into your life. Compromise nothing and you will get everything you want. It sounds mean and horrible on the onset, but look at it this way, the minute you begin to compromise, your self-respect goes out the window and your goals start changing one after another. Want a clearer picture here? You are basically trying to make a square peg fit into a circle. It won't work. Of course there is a gray area here, but this will depend on your situation and the intelligent woman who doesn't compromise will know what to do at this point.

Third Category - What you absolutely will not accept in a man - Bad Things. Basically, this category is all the stuff you have seen before and do not like about men. The answer boils down to Narcissism. If you are big on Compromising, you will really understand what I mean. The Narcissists are the men who start out sounding suave and sophisticated and tell you things that are actually just promises. The lines are "Stick with me honey and you will go to all the nice places," and similar phrases that build him up and make you seem worthless without him. The Narcissist begins seeming like the right man because he is quiet (except his occasional line), appears sensitive, and may even seem to agree with your goals. Later you will realize that he has never said "I love you," there is nothing in the works for a commitment, and you will find yourself telling your friends things like "Yeah, we have things in common." This is the breakthrough category because once you realize you have actually attracted the same man you have been attracting for the last several years, you can get rid of him and start over again. Otherwise, you begin to compromise and fit him in and the next thing you know it is several years later.

All of our lives, we have been geared by our society, our religions, our peers to live our life a certain way. Women are still molded to become wives, although now we are allowed to have an education and a career too. Men are still molded to grow up and have a future, whatever that means. If it means to take on a wife, great, but in this day and age, when you can have whomever you want and marriage isn't essential, they don't need it. Women in this day and age compromise so much that men can court them, woo them, coddle them, sleep with them, have babies with them, and even live with them, but they certainly don't need to marry them or spend their lives with them. What we need to realize as women is that WE are capable of doing this too.

Girls, we are capable of doing exactly what we want to do in life, but we have to stop being so desperate and so horny that any cute man will do when we have hit a dry spell. We lose our connection to our inner self by concentrating on him rather then us. We set our directions and cast our future by designing a dream date. Our course of action leads us to compromise, misery, and self-loathing, rather than achieving, receiving, and happiness. In the end, it isn't who you've married and the children you've raised, but what you personally have accomplished as a human being and how you feel about yourself. The answer to success for a woman is keeping strict boundaries and not compromising on your dreams. If you find a man who wants to be your partner and respects your goals and agrees with them, then that is great too, but not a necessity.

************************************************
© Copyright 2003, Jeannine Vegh, MA
A Site for Survivor's of Domestic Violence http://survivorsofdv.website-works.com
************************************************

Back to top

This webpage can be shared by forwarding the following web address. Simply copy and paste this line into an email program: http://www.Rhiannon3.net/0303.html

To subscribe, join the Rhiannon3 eZine list: Click here