What Makes A Family Today?

by Jill Curtis, © 2000

When I was researching for my book Making and Breaking Families, 'What makes a family today?' was a question I posted on the Internet and which appeared in several magazines and newspapers. I was overwhelmed by the huge response I received. It seemed that everyone had an opinion, and everyone wanted to tell me about the blueprint which they saw as ‘making a family today’.

The exciting thing was, though, that the answers were varied and different. The contributions I read began to reflect the variety of groups which go to constitute a family at the end of the nineteen-nineties.

For many people, the word ‘family’ conjures up the traditional picture of two parents, usually married, and their children. How realistic is it to expect families to be like this now and in the future?

Of course, the media love to dwell on the number of broken families that there are. Statistics about the number of single parent families, blended and step families are there for us all to see. Quite often, though, the couples who have stayed together are sidelined, and they do not make the news. Yet there are families who have weathered storms, held fast together and are able to provide a safe untroubled harbour for the children over many years.

It seems to be a common cry from those married for thirty, forty or more years that the couples marrying today often see divorce as an easy way out, and that more should be spoken about the need to work at a relationship. Once the honeymoon is over, where do you go from there? Couples who had been married for years were pleased to have their opinions listened to. ‘Be open and affectionate in front of the children’ ‘Learn to say sorry and mean it’ ‘Be independent at times, and dependent at others’ ‘Take time to decide on marriage and then make it work’ and, perhaps most telling of all, ‘It doesn’t just happen, make it happen.

But, a wider chorus of voices made themselves heard and in my book I have tried to represent many different points of view. What of the men and women who have to ‘go it alone’? Perhaps the reluctant partner in a divorce. The poor publicity given to ‘single parents’ makes their job even harder. What of the stepmother or stepfather trying to create a new and loving home for the children? They, too, have to cross public opinion while forging new relationships with children and a new partner. What of blended families, where couples who already have children come together to create a new family? We must acknowledge the fact there are grandparents parenting their grandchildren, often coming to the rescue after a family crisis. Finding yourself a parent ‘second time around’ is no easy task. There are gay and lesbian couples who parent a child, perhaps from an earlier heterosexual relationship.

The kaleidoscope of families is almost endless, but each in their own way hold onto beliefs about the family and what it stands for. A family, whatever the makeup, is about love and care and watching out for each other. I heard from Molly, now in her eightieth year: ‘I am an old lady now, but I do know this. Families are all about care and must be a place to protect the young and the old, and the sick.’

The family may not be as recognizable as it once was, but it still thrives in a variety of ways. As well as the old, there are new patterns, and we must learn to recognize them and to support and to value them.

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About the Author:

Jill Curtis is a senior psychotherapist working in the UK. Jill's family site at http://www.family2000onwards.com offers support for parents and grandparents of children coping with divorce and more. Jill is the author of Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and Their Children and Where's Daddy?: Separation and Your Child books on family issues which are available from Amazon. She has also contributed articles to a large variety of web sites connected with parenting, families, self-help, divorce, gay issues and women's interests.
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''Lower The Bar''

Author: Noah St. John, © 2001

We always hear the term "raise the bar" when speaking about reaching our goals. We're told we have to keep "raising the bar" to achieve greater and more wonderful things.

But what about lowering the bar?

I used to get up every morning dreading the prospect of having to achieve more and more just to stay even, let alone get ahead.

But then I asked myself, "Why does the bar always have to be higher? Why can't we sometimes LOWER the bar?"

One of my minister friends once said to me, "Life is like a salami - you've got to eat it one slice at a time."

While it may sound logical to raise the bar -- and we've heard that bromide so long that it seems like the only way to do things -- the truth is that if we start the bar too high, we're going to tell ourselves we can't do something because it's too hard.

Let me put it this way: let's say it's your first day of learning how to high jump. You come out onto the field all motivated and ready to go.

I'm your coach. And I set the bar at six feet six inches, because I want you to be the best high jumper you can be. So you stand there, all 5' 8" of you, looking at the bar waaaay up there.

And you say to yourself, "I could never do that."

I can see it on your face. So I say to you, "Come on, you can do it! Just think positive! Get psyched! Get motivated!"

You, being the trooper you are -- and not wanting to disappoint me -- take a few steps backward, then run forward as fast as you can, jump up with all your might... slam! Ram your head right into the bar.

"That's okay!" I say, clapping my hands and helping you up. "You'll do better next time."

You gamely try again and again. I give you inspiration and try to keep you "motivated" through the use of encouraging words and maybe even a few affirmations and visualizing. "See yourself clearing the bar," I say. "Write down words like, 'I can do it' and 'I can jump really, really high.'"

But the damn bar hits you in the head every time.

Can you see that we do this to ourselves all the time? We place the "bar" -- whatever it is, whether to make sales calls, talk with new people or sell our screenplay -- so high up there *every single day* that even when we do accomplish and get things done, nothing ever seems good enough. Sound familiar?

But can you also see that this is all within our conscious volition and control?

Let me put it bluntly: no one else is setting the bar up there for you. No one else is telling you that you have to clear six feet on your first day of practice.

Many people I talk with grew up in a family where getting straight A's was expected and "good enough" didn't exist.

You and I may be so used to living our lives with this false sense of expecations that we don't know there's any other way to live.

So let me give you some examples of raising the bar vs. lowering the bar, so you can begin to see the difference.

Raising the bar would mean doing things like:
• Make 10-25 phone calls a day.
• Write an article.
• Close the sale.
• Find a home.
• Stop being lonely - find someone new.
• Work out for 30-40 minutes a day.
• Stop eating bad foods.
• Quit smoking.
• Stop overeating.
• Don't make a mistake.

Lowering the bar would mean doing things like:
• Make a phone call and BE THERE on the phone with the person on the other end.
• Listen when someone else is talking.
• Start your article - just write one sentence and then stop. (You'll find if you do this, it will be harder to stop than to just keep writing. But when you demand you finish your article before you've even started, you've set yourself up for "writer's block.")
• Ask what your prospective customer is looking for. Then show how you can provide that to them at a reasonable fee. The rest is up to them.
• Ask a friend for a referral to a realtor in your area.
• Say hi to someone in the grocery store and don't expect them to say anything back.
• Allow for tons and tons of mis-takes along the way.

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