The Top 10 Tips for Being an Excellent Listener

by Dr. Clare Albright, © 2001

One of the biggest secrets for being successful with both your personal and your business goals is learning the skills of listening with excellence. Pick one of the tips below and practice applying it throughout the day today.

1. Detect whether the person talking to you is expressing facts or feelings. Respond with extra care and sensitivity when the person who you are listening to is coming from the more subjective domain of feelings and opinions.

2. Respond fully to the feelings that someone shares before responding with the facts. For example, when a child says, "I am afraid that there is a monster under the bed," few parents provide an empathetic response such as, "Sounds like you had a scary night." Most parents reassure the child prematurely by saying something like, "Don't worry, there are no monsters." This objective response can make the child feel alone and that their feelings are unimportant.

3. Use silence when the person talking to you is sharing feelings and you do not know what to say. Simply nod in understanding and let yourself be touched by what they are saying. Resist the temptation to say something just so that you are saying something.

4. Groan or make encouraging sounds when someone is sharing feelings and they seem to desire some acknowledgement from you. This can actually buy you some time to formulate an empathetic response.

5. Focus on what someone is saying instead of thinking of what you are going to say when they are finished speaking. The tennis coach is always saying, "Watch the ball." Focusing on the speaker is equivalent to becoming a good listener. Your responses will be more helpful and natural if you focus on the other person fully while they are speaking.

6. Listen FOR things when people share instead of merely listening TO them. There are so many things that you can listen for, such as the speaker's values, feelings, needs, strengths, weaknesses, etc.

7. Use short responses when the speaker is sharing something that is very important to them. Longer responses will make the speaker feel impatient because they may feel "de-railed" by your intrusion.

8. Respond to others by repeating the metaphors that they have used. For example, if your co-worker tells you that she feels like an old lady because her birthday is coming, you could say, "Well, at least we can use our senior discount together when we go to the diner now." Practice 'volleying' with the metaphors of others.

9. Listen twice as much as you speak. Are you speaking more than half of the time? Remember the old saying about having two ears and one mouth? Becoming this kind of listener is a great way to win friends.

10. Remember that the attitude of your heart as a listener is always more important and more obvious than anything that you say in response to someone. An attitude of respect and of trying to understand another person's world is much more important than learning how to formulate brilliant responses.

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About the Author:

This piece was written by Dr. Clare Albright, Clinical Psychologist and Professional Coach. These 10 Listening Tips are from, "85 Secrets for Improving Your Communication Skills" by Dr. Clare Albright, which can be downloaded for only $5.77 via www.ImprovingYourCommunicationSkills.com .
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''Relationship Glue''

Author: Jon Henshaw, © 2001

We use love to describe a diverse range of feelings and pleasures; "I love my car," "We made love," "I love you." Greek and Latin terminology divides love into several different words that describe each type of love:

- Eros: Sexual Love
- Ludis: Flirtatious Love
- Philo: Brotherly Love
- Storge: Friendship Love
- Pragma: Logical Love
- Mania: Smothering Love
- Agape: Divine Love

Although several types of love play an important role in marriage, it's Agape love that acts as "relationship glue". Agape love is often described as, "Self-sacrificing love. Altruistic love that is experienced by people willing to do things for another person with no expectations." [1]

In marriage, Agape love is a commitment to love your spouse, even when you don't feel like it.

Agape Love helps keep marriages together by:

- Not giving up on each other during difficult moments
- Maintaining fidelity when you're attracted to another person
- Compromising, and not always getting your way
- Showing respect; not belittling, berating or ignoring your spouse
- Being attentive to your spouse's needs and feelings

One key to establishing and maintaining Agape love in your relationship is mutual giving. If both partners choose to offer self- sacrificing love, both will receive it.

(References: [1] Jimmy and Kerri Hunt - http://proagency.tripod.com/love.html)

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Copyright (c) 2001 Jon Henshaw

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