Marriage, Divorce, and Kids
by: Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
It's been said that one of the problems that married
couples have today is that men tend to choose their wives
the same way they choose their cars or trucks.
They get the best one available and hope that there's not
much maintenance down the road.
While this may occasionally be true, there are certain
practices that married couples must follow in order to
avoid adding to a divorce rate that hovers around 50%. These
are practices that are essential not only for the success
of their marriage, they are essential for the well-being of
our children.
In Maggie Gallagher's book, "The Abolition of Marriage,"
she states that, "Half of all children will witness the
breakup of a parent's marriage. Of these, close to half
will also see the breakup of a parent's second marriage."
Can we possibly continue with a system that allows half of
our children to witness the breakup of their parent's
marriage? Is a divorce rate near 50% enough to have us
consider new ideas about how we decide about marriage and
divorce?
One logical place to start is to educate people about the
qualities of a successful marriage.
We can't be effective when we educate them two months
before they marry. Emotional intelligence skills and
relationship skills must be taught to our young people
early in life.
When we do teach them about successful relationships, we
should include these qualities:
1. Commitment-- According to one definition, "commitment is
a freely chosen inner resolve to follow through with a
course even though difficulty arises. How do we show our
children what to do when difficulty arises? Do we move to
where the grass is greener? Commitment is a daily
discipline. It's the core from which we respond to difficulty. It's
what makes our lives richer and deeper.
2. Emotional Awareness-- If we know what's really bothering
us, we can have effective and meaningful conversations with
our spouse. We can be genuine, honest, and open with each
other. And we can discover that much of the pain we feel in
our relationship is actually our past emotional history
coming back to haunt us.
If you're planning on getting married, be aware of what
your emotional issues are. If you don't know what your
issues are, you may be the most likely candidate for a
divorce down the road.
3. Be Kind, Not Right-- We tend to have a tremendous stake
in showing our loved ones that we're right. An enormous
amount of time is wasted in our relationships by arguing
over who's right or wrong.
This excessive arguing is just an indication of our low
self-esteem. A much easier and more effective way to be in
a relationship is to commit to kindness. When you're kind,
you don't need to be right. And it's much easier for others
to be with you!
There certainly are both justifiable divorces and "well-
done" divorces that are respectful of the kids involved.
But the number of divorces involving childish and
irresponsible decisions based on self-interest is staggering.
Children deserve more than this. To allow a system to
continue that has half of our kids witnessing their
parent's divorce is to turn our backs on our most precious
commodity.
It's time to consider alternatives. Let's look at how we
can spend more time educating and training young people
about relationship skills and emotional intelligence. Let's
look at the fact that in about 80% of the divorces in this
country, only one of the participants (usually the woman)
wants to end the marriage. Can we keep no-fault divorce as
it is?
And most importantly, let's look at our own attitudes about
commitment and decide what we want to do.
Because the cost of not doing these things is beyond measure.
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Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal coach, speaker,
author, and workshop leader. He is the author of "Fix Your Wife
in 30 Days or Less" http://www.markbrandenburg.com/saveyourmarriage.htm.
Sign up for his free newsletter, "Dads Don't Fix Your Kids," at
http://www.markbrandenburg.com
for great articles and tips for parents.
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