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How
to Stay Calm
By:
Susie
Cortright
My
beloved car had just blown its engine, pregnancy was making me crazy,
and we had no money in our pockets (or anywhere else). When I slammed
our front door, I knocked the only plant I had managed to keep alive
all season off the windowsill. Just as
the pottery hit the floor and cracked, so did I. I lay face down
in black potting soil and pottery shards and let my Labrador lick
the tears off my dirty face.
That
was just before the birth of our first child. Since then, there
have been countless times when I've wanted to curl up on the carpet
and scream, but the ever-watching kids
have made that a luxury I can no longer afford.
It's
more difficult now, too. One of the biggest surprises of parenthood
is the absolute anger we can feel in no time - and with very little
provocation. Start with a sleep-deprived parent, throw in a troubled
teenager, a whining child, or a colicky newborn, and even
the coolest cats can lose their minds.
Releasing
our anger in the wrong ways can lead to emotional and physical scars
on our kids. When infants are shaken, even for one heated moment,
they can die. And it takes only
a moment to harm their little souls.
As
they watch us, these young ones are paying particular attention
to the way we handle difficult situations. And what we model for
them will, in large part, determine their
success at controlling their own tempers as they grow up.
So,
even in the face of total exasperation, we must stay calm. For a
long time, the advice has been to simply go away for a moment and
count to ten, but, as all parents know,
sometimes that's not so easy. A small child may be frightened when
mommy or daddy leaves to take a time-out. Sometimes counting to
ten just doesn't do it, and there's no time to count to 100.
So
here are a few more tips, compiled just for parents, to help you
deal with anger and stay calm with your kids.
PREVENTATIVE
MEASURES
The best time to work on staying cool is before you're hot.
Declare
a zero-tolerance policy on the out-of-control temper. You must
decide, for yourself, that behaving this way is simply not okay.
Remind yourself that it is possible to manage your emotions. Think
back to times when you were successful at controlling your anger.
Perhaps you bit your tongue rather than hollering at the boss. Or
you were just about to let it fly at your husband when your in-laws
called and suddenly you couldn't believe the sweetness of your own
voice. We all have the power to suddenly change our mood.
Be
prepared. Lots of things can go wrong each day; be ready for
them. For example, if you've got babies, pack a bag with at least
one extra shirt for everyone, a complete outfit
for each toddler, and several for the infants. Stow them in the
back of the car with extra diapers and plenty of baby wipes.
Is
there anything specific that triggers your anger? Keep a journal
for those times when you feel like you're ready to fly off the handle.
Do you notice any patterns--time of day, hunger level, lack of exercise,
a full calendar? Even noise from a TV or radio can contribute to
a feeling of over-stimulation, which can set off an emotional explosion.
Create a nurturing environment for yourself.
Take
care of yourself. We're more likely to react to a situation
- rather than to simply act - when we haven't gotten enough sleep
or we haven't been eating right. Start your day with a light breakfast
that includes carbohydrates and protein. Then continue
to eat for energy throughout the day. More Energy for Moms (http://www.momscape.com/energy)
features information on how to control your moods with food.
Daily
exercise provides a physical release to help you control anxiety
and aggression throughout the day. A half-hour of kickboxing can
release tension you didn't even know you had.
A
regular routine of prayer and meditation can calm a chaotic
mind. Sit quietly for at least 15 minutes a day. Practice a few
yoga stretches when things get tense.
Decide
how you'll deal with certain situations before they arise. What
makes you want to blow your top? Whether it's toddler temper tantrums
or the preschooler's occasional whine, determine how you will handle
those things beforehand - while you're calm.
Understand
your child. Read up on child development and put yourself in
their shoes. Ask yourself: "What's it like to be two and not
have the skills to express what you want?" "What's it
like for a newborn who finds herself with a gut-wrenching bellyful
of gas and doesn't understand why it hurts?" Kids act the way
they do for a reason. Often, there's a developmental milestone associated
with a child's behavior. Understanding the reasons behind our kids'
actions can go a long way in helping us develop a sense of empathy,
compassion and, ultimately, tolerance.
IN
THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
Take a few deep breaths. Diaphragmatic breathing helps reduce
stress. This will also give you a time-out, long enough to make
a rational assessment of the situation and to help you regain a
sense of control.
Visualize
yourself as the cool, calm, person you strive to be. Whom do you
know who embodies these traits? Imagine this person's reaction to
the situation.
Stop.
Think. Then speak. Remind yourself of the importance of keeping
yourself under control. If you feel anger building inside, don't
pick up a baby. Ask for help or wait until you are calm.
Consciously
lower your voice. Yelling will only make a child angry and defensive,
and it can scare a young child. A soft tone says you're in control.
Don't
catastrophize. Resist the temptation to blow something out of
proportion. Avoid using the words "always" and "never"
when you talk to yourself and others.
Distract
yourself. Is there any way you can laugh about the situation?
Ask yourself: what is the real significance of the situation that
triggered my rage? It's more important to
model a healthy approach to stress than it is to win certain battles.
Choose those battles carefully.
Afterwards,
reinforce your love for the child and retreat to assess the way
you handled the situation. What did you do right? What will you
do differently next time?
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© Copyright 2003, Susie Cortright
Susie Michelle Cortright is the author of several books for women
and founder of the award-winning Momscape.com, a website designed
to help busy women find balance. Visit http://www.momscape.com
today
and get Susie's *free* course-by-email "6 Days to Less Stress."
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