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"I
Didn't Get In It for THIS,"
by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
I was listening the other day at a party while we
shared some experiences from the early days of
our marriages. It
was an older group, and many years of experiences were
represented. The common theme became the feeling we all had
at some point that "I didn't get in it for THIS."
One woman was talking about
learning just before she and her husband married that neither set of parents
intended to give them any sort of financial support while the young man went
through medical school and training. It was something that had both inferred,
that both sets of parents, who were well-off, would be helping them out.
Suddenly
she realized she was going to be sole bread-winner for many years and it was
a rude awakening.
She said, "We stared at each other in disbelief. I don't know what he was thinking,
but I know I thought to myself, 'Wait a minute, this wasn't the deal. This changes
everything. I want out.' Then I realized it changed nothing substantial. Our
abiding love for each other remained. It just meant rearranging some details.
There were some courses I would need to add the last semester of college, and
it meant our first years of marriage would be a lot more challenging than we
had anticipated. We started
reorienting and preparing to cope."
Another couple had a tragedy occur during
their second year of marriage. Their first child was diagnosed with Tays-Sach's
syndrome and died within a year. The woman related how much it changed their
ideas and expectations
when they received the diagnosis.
"Everything had been smooth sailing," she said. "He'd
gotten a great job, we had a great place to live, friends, love, our first baby
. everything looked like happily ever after, and then that. It also meant having
no more children. We stared at each other. He had wanted lots of kids. I was
afraid he'd leave me. Suddenly nothing seemed certain."
While these couples were making their plans, life had something else in mind.
We all have a vague notion when we marry that we don't know completely what lies
ahead, but of course we don't think about the hard times in specific terms. Why
would we? For one thing, they cannot be anticipated. For another, it's borrowing
trouble ahead of time as they say.
Yet, because we don't know what lies ahead,
this is why marriage involves a commitment, and why the traditional vows
include "in sickness and in health, for better, for worse ."
Another woman told
us about having a wonderful business with her husband set up in picturesque La
Jolla, California (it
means "the jewel" and it is!). It was her dream place to live and they enjoyed
it for three years. Then the business failed, and he insisted they move back
to his hometown in
rural Louisiana.
" That wasn't what I had in mind at all," she said. Suddenly
for worse" had a face.
"It became the one thing I didn't get in the marriage
for. You know, sickness and health, good times and bad, yes, but bankruptcy and
rural Louisiana after the promise of riches
in La Jolla, NO WAY."
Hard times have names and faces. When faced with the reality
of the particular forms of "hard times," we often balk. Wait! No way! Not THIS!
This isn't what I meant!
Something else, okay, but not THIS.
Resilience is an important life skill to build for just this
reason. It allows you to cope with those hard times that
have names and faces, and to continue with your love for the
other. The payoff is that going through hard times together
and staying emotionally connected at the core is what bonds
us.
I'm sure you've also heard couples say, "I would never leave him (or her) after
what we've been through together. We're
solid."
When hard times occur, especially those you never bargained for, turn
toward each other, not away from each other If you feel like running, run together!
Being in it for the long haul is what marriage (and life) is all about, and that
includes being
in it for THIS.
=============================================================================
©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://ww.susandunn.cc . Coaching,
internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence, to help you build
your resilience and life skills. For FREE ezine,
mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc with "ezine" for
subject line.
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~
Christmas Gift Ideas ~
From the Heart
By Joyce
C. Lock
1.)
Invite those who's families are away, for a get-together on
Christmas evening; to eat goodies, sing carols, and just visit
(giving some a sense of family and something to look forward
to).
2.) Run errands for shut-ins.
3.) Volunteer to serve food at a shelter.
4.) Take someone, who can't drive, Christmas shopping.
5.) Share your Christmas meal with a widower.
6.) Do volunteer work at the hospital.
7.) Help a depressed person through the holidays.
8.) Let a latch key kid stay with you until a parent arrives.
9.) Help a homeless person find shelter.
10). Clean house for a recovering surgery patient.
11.) Help the elderly put up decorations.
12.) Visit an invalid to give the caretaker a break.
13.) Welcome a foster child or veteran into your home.
14.) Donate blood or bone marrow.
15.) Adopt a grandparent.
16.) Sing Christmas carols to those who can't attend church.
17.) Share extra coats or clothing with someone in need.
18.) Keep in contact with someone alone or not well.
19.) Tutor someone in school or teach someone to read.
20.) Shovel snow for the elderly or disabled.
21.) Help someone needing roadside assistance.
22.) Be the listening ear for someone with problems.
23.) Pick up someone who needs a ride to church.
24.) Become a big brother or big sister.
25.) Leave disabled parking vacant.
26.) Offer the plan of salvation.
27.) Allow your home to be a shelter for the abused.
28.) Share your talents to assist others.
29.) Volunteer at a pro-life clinic.
30.) Pray for others,
31.) And many more!
It isn't the size of the budget. It's the size of the
heart.
If you open your eyes to other' needs, God will show you a
need. And, when He does, chances are He's calling you to do
something about it,
De. 10:14.
The giver receives the greater blessing.
=============================================================================
Joyce C. Lock founded and maintains the email ministries "Heavenly Inspirations" http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeavenlyInspirations/and "Share
a Smile" http://groups.yahoo.com/group/smilesharing/ .
She also has
a published e-book, "The Difference", which can be purchased here: http://www.theeaglesgarden.com/
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