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Self-Talk:
What You Say to Yourself
Determines Your Experience
By:
Barbara Williams © 2002
"Words,
words, words" says Hamlet in Shakespeare's greatest play about
the human mind. Hamlet is trapped in indecision because his head
is full of words. Sometimes the words say one thing, sometimes another.
Hamlet cannot act with clarity and love because he cannot get beyond
the self-talk inside his own mind.
Self-talk plays
an important role in stage fright and performance anxiety. Many
of the symptoms of stage fright are either triggered or intensified
by the way we talk to ourselves inside our minds. This chapter will
help you identify your negative self-talk, challenge it and change
it to supportive self-talk. Talking to yourself in nurturing and
supportive ways will be an important tool for healing the tension
of being the center of attention.
WHAT IS SELF-TALK?
Self-talk is
what we say to ourselves inside our mind. It is the steady stream
of words that play constantly in the mind. For many people, the
verbiage never stops. Everything we see and feel and experience
is translated into words that become a running dialogue inside our
head.
Self-talk is
conditioned patterns of thinking. The talk can be positive or negative,
loving or critical. Whether positive or negative, how we talk to
ourselves creates our experience. Our conditioned ways of thinking
generate emotions and activate behaviors. Our whole way of being,
acting and feeling is influenced by how we think and talk to ourselves.
HOW SELF-TALK
RELATES TO STAGE FRIGHT
How you talk
to yourself creates your emotional experience. Thoughts generate
feelings. In stage fright, negative self-talk begins as soon as
you know you are going to have to present, speak, perform or communicate.
The physical body is instantly filled with negative feelings. To
make matters worse, self-judgment and perfectionism then kick in.
You begin to judge yourself for feeling fear and anxiety. You tell
yourself that you are wrong because you experience negative feelings.
That compounds the problem and creates even more bad feeling. So
it goes round and round and escalates until your body is so flooded
with fear and so tense that you are unable to function effectively.
PEFECTIONISM
Perfectionism
is at the root of this pattern. We expect we "should be"
perfect. Anything less is unacceptable to our mind. Deep down we
know that we are not perfect and that we have fear like other people.
But the mind cannot or will not accept that fact. It attempts to
uphold an image of perfection that does not include the possibility
of human weakness. The mind knows we can't live up to our own expectations.
As soon as we
have to "perform", we risk judgment from others. Our self-talk
begins to remind us how very imperfect we are and how the situation
is going to turn out badly. After all, here is no way to be perfect,
so we have already failed.
This unsupportive
self-talk kicks in so quickly and is so automatic that we don't
even know it is going on under the surface of awareness. Becoming
aware of your inner self-talk lets you know what thoughts are running
your feelings and behaviors.
In stage fright,
perfectionistic patterns of thinking are running the show. You have
no chance of success at presentation until you completely identify
them, hear them inside your head, challenge them and change them.
In order to be
really successful at presentation, performance or communication,
we must risk showing others our authentic self, even if it means
admitting fear and anxiety. What the perfectionistic mind does not
understand is that human imperfection and emotional vulnerability
are compelling. Our willingness to reveal our humanity makes us
magnetic to others. Even more, authenticity, in all its imperfection,
is the way to power. In order to ecome all we can be, we must give
up perfectionism and surrender to being authentic.
HOW TO TRANSFORM
NEGATIVE SELF-TALK INTO SUPPORTIVE SELF-TALK
Many people are
not even aware they are talking critically to themselves. Negative
self-talk has become so automatic and happens so fast that the thoughts
don't even register consciously. To transform negative into supportive
self-talk, you have to catch it, identify it, challenge it and change
it. To become aware of your self-talk, ask yourself what you know
or
believe about yourself that you are afraid for others to find out.
What is it that deep down you do not want anyone else to see? This
will begin to stir up some awareness of the fear that is lurking
deep within yourself. Do some writing and fill in the blanks.
"What I
don't want anyone to know is __________________________."
"What I
don't want anyone to see is __________________."
CATCH THE
NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
Once you have
uncovered what you are protecting, start to listen inside your head
to catch the things your mind is saying. If you are not used to
listening to yourself, it may take a while to catch the phrases.
Keep a pad of paper available to help you in the process. When you
catch a piece of self-talk, write it down. For a week or two, just
listen and catch your self-talk. Don't try to change it. Just listen
and write down the messages like you are taking dictation and are
a curious observer.
Please don't
judge yourself for it. This negating self-talk is a part of our
human condition. It is in every one of us and it challenges every
person in the process of growth and evolution. So rejoice that you
are far enough in your growth to be working on it. It is huge to
face this!
CHALLENGE
YOUR SELF-TALK
Once you have
become super-aware of the negative stuff you are saying to yourself,
you must next begin to challenge the self-talk as it comes up. When
you hear yourself say something to yourself that is critical or
self-judging, you must STOP it. Say "STOP" in your head.
Then challenge that thought by asking "Is that the truth? Is
that the real truth?"
Question the validity of your self-talk until it diminishes and
dies. Most of the time, the negative self-talk is not true. Get
it that your negative thoughts are simply not true.
CHANGE THE
NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
Once you understand
that the negative thought is not the truth about you, then you must
replace the thought with the real truth. Now ask yourself, "What
is the truth?" Then tell yourself what is really true. It will
usually be something that is between the extremes.
You will feel
yourself relax when you are telling yourself the authentic truth.
However, you may struggle for a while. You will have to continue
to catch, challenge and replace your self-talk for a long time.
Every time your negative self-talk starts, you will again have to
say, "STOP! Is that the truth? What is the truth? The truth
about me is _____________________."
When you change
a small part of negative self-talk you will begin to unravel a whole
string of negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself that are
unsupportive. You will change rapidly, feel lighter, stronger, more
confident and more joyous!
KINDS OF NEGATIVE
SELF-TALK
There are five
kinds of negative self-talk that I have identified:
About your feelings
About your performance and the outcome
About your abilities
About your beingness and essential value
About what others will think of you
These kinds of negative self-talk function as patterns of thinking.
The patterns are not very original, but they are quite common. When
you expose them to light of consciousness, they are almost silly
and sound stereotypical. Yet, most of us allow these patterns to
run in our heads and to control our actions and emotions.
THE NEGATIVE
SELF-TALK PATTERNS AND THEIR SUPPORTIVE REPLACEMENTS
Examine the following
patterns and see which one(s) hit home for you. After each negative
thought pattern, I have written a suggestion for a supportive self-talk
replacement. Please feel free to use mine or write your own.
SELF TALK
ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS - JUDGING YOUR FEELINGS
Negative self-talk:
I am afraid. There is something wrong with me because I feel this
fear. What is wrong with me? Everyone else looks like they are comfortable.
I am the only one who is afraid.
Supportive Self-Talk:
I have fear like everyone else. I am human like everyone else. I
accept myself as a human being who sometimes feels fear. I am going
to learn to release this fear. Meanwhile, I will do the best I can
and love myself anyway.
SELF-TALK
ABOUT YOUR PERFORMANCE
Negative Self-Talk:
I am going to fail. I am going to mess up and when I do, it will
have terrible consequences. I will be humiliated and I may lose
my job.
Supportive Self-Talk:
I surrender the outcome of my talk to a higher power. I ask spirit
to support me and speak through me. I will be successful with God's
support. I am not doing this alone. I am sharing myself for the
highest good. This situation is not about my performance. It is
about what I can contribute to others. I will succeed in sharing
my gift with others.
SELF-TALK
ABOUT YOUR ABILITIES
Negative Self-Talk:
I'm not good enough. Other people are much better than I am so I
will just let someone else do it. I'm not smart enough. I don't
have the right credentials or training or experience. So I won't
even try. What's the use? I'll fail anyway.
Supportive Self-Talk:
I am good enough. I can do it. I can and will give my gifts. I am
capable. I do not have to know everything. I will do the best I
know how and learn everything else along the way.
SELF-TALK
ABOUT YOUR BEINGNESS AND ESSENTIAL VALUE
Negative Self-Talk:
I am nothing. I am no good. I will never amount to anything. I hate
myself. I am a bad person.
Supportive Self-Talk:
I am valuable. I value myself. I love myself. I accept myself just
as I am. I am a child of God and I am living energy of love.
SELF-TALK
ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU
Negative Self-Talk:
No one likes me/loves me. They think I am stupid, ugly, bad, wrong,
incompetent, and unlovable. They do not want to be with me. They
will never like me.
Supportive Self-Talk:
I choose to love and accept others. What they think of me is none
of my business. I share myself and my love with others freely.
MORE ABOUT
PERFECTIONISM
Negative Self-Talk
is often rooted in perfectionism and is most often about not doing
and being "good enough". "Good enough" in negative
self-talk is always perfect. Since no one can ever be perfect, the
mind criticizes and judges the self harshly.
Until you root
out perfectionism from your consciousness, you will always be judging
yourself. You will always be setting yourself up for failure, because
the truth is you will never be perfect. Even your best will never
be perfect. So please let go of perfectionism so you can feel free
to give your best.
SUPPORT YOURSELF
When you let
go of the need to be perfect, you can begin to nurture and support
your authentic self. Self-talk can become a way of supporting yourself.
Ultimately, no one else's support matters. What matters is that
you support yourself. You are the only person whose opinion of yourself
really matters. You are the only one who can truly validate yourself.
Sooner or later,
if you want to be powerful or loving, you must validate and support
yourself. I have come to believe that people who are the most powerful
and loving are those who have learned to talk to themselves in loving
and supportive ways. Take charge of your self-talk. Begin now to
talk to yourself in the way you have always wanted others (especially
parents) to speak to you. Only you know how you always wanted to
be nurtured and supported. Right now begin to give it to yourself.
here is no power in waiting for others to give it to you. The truth
is that until you give it to yourself, you won't be able to accept
it from others.
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Sandra Zimmer © 2002
Sandra
Zimmer is the Founder and Director of The Self-Expression Center.
She is an Acting, Presentation, Voice, and Communication Coach.
Her mission
is to support people to feel comfortable and confident being authentic
in
presentations, performances, communications, and in relationships...so
that
they can give their gifts to the world.
Sandra can be reached at mailto: sandra@self-expression.com
or
www.selfexpression.com
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