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Talking
To Children About Violence
By:
Ron Huxley, LMFT
Violence
in society is a major issue for families today. It's everywhere
we look, it seems, and as a parent it disturbs me deeply. Part of
the job of parenting is to protect our children from the ills, if
not the evils of the world, but what do you do when it comes looking
for you. Recent sniper attacks, school suicide-killings and the
outbreak of fighting around the world, makes talking to our children
about violence a necessary responsibility.
It
would be easy to wait until our children bring up the issue and
not take a lead role in discussing violence with them. Unfortunately,
too many children take in the information, attempt to process it
with shouldn't. For these children, talking about the violence may
relieve feelings of anxiety and insecurity they were bottling up
inside. Children get their sense of safety from the attitudes and
behaviors of adults, primarily parents. How we act and talk will
have a direct impact of the emotional well being of children.
The
first step to talking to children about violence is to acknowledge
their thoughts and feelings about the violence. The best way is
the simplest: Ask them what they think or feel. This will give parents
a barometer about where the child is at and what concerns need to
be addressed. Demonstrate that you are willing to hear it and give
your child full attention without judgment. Too many parents are
quick to jump into a child's comments and make them seem invalid.
A parent might dismiss their child's fears as unnecessary: "You
shouldn't feel that way" or "You don't need to worry about
that." A parent might even reply that the child is being silly,
stupid, or overreacting for what they are thinking and feeling.
This is a sure method to get a child to shut down emotionally and
not communicate with a parent, now and in the future. Get on a child's
level by sitting or kneeling down when talking to them. And get
rid of any distractions (i.e., turn off the television or radio).
Make the conversation about them not you.
The
second step is to clarify and/or reflect back a child's comments.
For example, a parent might say, "Tell me more about your fears
of someone killing you" or "What do you mean you think
the world is going to end." This also communicates to a child
that what they have to say is important and not trivial. It makes
parents more aware of the underlying issues. If a child's comments
are clear then repeat back to the child what you heard them say.
Don't be a parrot; just summarize it, so that you and the child
are on the same ground mentally.
The
third step is to share your feelings and value about the violence.
This means you must be aware of what they are before you ask your
child to share. How do you feel about the violence? What is your
value-system about killing, death, and violence? Is it a social,
moral, or relational issue for you or does it encompass all three.
Once you are aware of where you stand, you can communicate this
with your child. Share in a direct, simple, and honest manner. How
you say something may be more important than what you say. But be
sure to say it in a matter of fact way.
What
you say will vary depending on your values and the age of your child.
Young children have difficulty separating reality from fantasy and
it may be important to describe the difference. For example, a parent
of a young child might state: "I know that the cartoons you
watch sometimes have characters who shoot one another but that is
not real. In real life, when someone gets shot they get hurt and
they might even die." Avoid in-depth explanations for younger
children. They will lose attention and not be able to process long
descriptions. One to two sentences are more than enough. Additionally,
parents can use drawings and children's book about fighting, violence,
etc. Always follow up with reassurances that you love them, will
do your best to care and protect them, and that they are safe.
Older
children may be able to verbalize their thoughts and feelings more
distinctly but don't let that be an excuse not to talk about it.
Use the same principles as with younger children but feel free to
talk more deeply about the violence. Watch the news report together
or read the newspaper article out loud, pausing to discussing thoughts
and feelings. Ask them if they know of anyone who has been the victim
of violence. The older they are the more likely they will know or
have heard of someone. Talk about violence that has occurred towards
them or in their daily life, such as school. Guide the older child
toward your values without forcing them on them or telling them
how they should believe. And look at ways to get involved in your
community or through national relief efforts to help victims of
violence. Being proactive will give a child a sense of power versus
powerlessness.
What
we say to children is important and we must say something. Sticking
our heads in the sand will not improve the situation. Actually,
ignoring or dismissing the topic of violence will increase a child's
anxiety and fears. But even more importantly, how we talk about
violence will have profound impact on our child's sense of self,
their understanding of right from wrong, and their relationship
with the parent.
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Copyright
© 2002, Ron Huxley is a Licensed Marriage and Child Therapist
in California, author of the book "Love & Limits: Achieving
a Balance in Parenting" and a father of four! Get parenting
power tools by joining the Home Builders Club now at http://parentingtoolbox.com/subscribe.html
or Become an affiliate and earn 50% on every sale and give families
over 300+ tools to build the family of their dreams.
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