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The
Meaning of "Normal"....
Author: Kim Eyer, © 2001-2003
As a domestic violence survivor, I've often been asked the question,
"Here's my situation…is this normal?" Or sometimes the concept of
"normal" comes up in a slightly different context, a question more
along the lines of "When will I feel normal again?" from others who
have left abusive partners. Many times I've seen and answered questions
like these through email or on message board posts, both at our own
Rhiannon3.net website and on other domestic violence or abuse topic
message boards.
I lived as an abuse victim for several years in a terrible marriage.
Later, I escaped that relationship and moved on to personal healing
and growth, and to a pleasant second marriage that by any standards
can be viewed as "normal". It concerns me when I see someone ask a
question along these lines. Of course, I offer a response. However,
the heart of the issue rests in how little we understand abuse and
it's effect on domestic violence victims. My concern about this issue
and for the individuals who ask these types of questions is the reason
behind writing this article.
There are two sides of normal from my perspective. One of these is
the concept of normal as it relates to a relationship between two
people. The other is the concept of normal in terms of an abuse survivor's
feelings, struggle with overwhelming emotions and the road to emotional
healing.
So what is normal in a relationship? To me, it means a relationship
where each party respects the other's views, beliefs, abilities and
accomplishments. Both offer emotional support and are willing to listen
to each other's perspectives, needs or concerns about daily life,
interactions with others, decision-making concerns and the future.
A normal relationship also means both partners are willing to allow
the other to be themselves and participate in activities that are
of interest to them. By this I do not mean at the expense of the relationship,
but rather that both partners are comfortable pursuing some level
of interest or activity in things that do not always involve their
partner. A simple bubble bath or evening tinkering in the garage or
woodshop are things each partner is happy to let the other do and
enjoy - instead of the contrary in an abusive relationship where one
is deliberately made to feel selfish for such simple occasional personal
wants.
More than abnormal, an abusive relationship is just downright
unhealthy and detrimental to both partners. In an abusive relationship
jealousies flare, the victim is constantly downtrodden with bashes
to their self-esteem, the victim is expected to cater to the unreasonable
and selfish needs of the abusive partner, the victim's accomplishments
and abilities are continually discounted, threats are a frequent part
of daily life as well.
Perhaps one of the most startling things about an abusive relationship
is the victims' frequent need to ask if such a situation constitutes
abuse. Lots of people think of abuse only as physical assaults - beatings,
slapping, hitting, pushing or shoving. Abuse involves many other behaviors.
Emotional, verbal and mental abuses are the "hidden" ones, the ones
few people recognize. This is the reason so many victims feel the
need to ask, "Is this normal?" or "Is this abuse?" In general many
people, including those trapped in abusive relationships, think that
without physical beatings then there is some question that the relationship
is an abusive one - nothing could be further from the truth.
In an abuse victim's experiences, the verbal, emotional or mental
abuses are equally detrimental and leave emotional damage to later
overcome. These are the things that tear down their self-esteem, sense
of self-worth, and steal away their personal strength and belief in
their own abilities. An abusive partner uses these abuses to keep
the victim down, to keep them from having any independence, to pass
off the guilt for their own inadequacies and inappropriate behavior
both in the relationship and in dealing with others.
As for the abusive partner, the relationship is detrimental for them
as well. They go through daily life blaming everything that goes wrong
(or problems that they create themselves) on the victimized partner
and the relationship. Allowing someone to live in such a manner and
not be held accountable and responsible for their own actions is unhealthy
and unrealistic. As long as the victim remains in the relationship,
the abusive partner is simply encouraged to continue to live and think
in a twisted way, out of touch with true reality.
The second issue I raised at the opening of this article is the frequently
asked question by abuse survivors "When will I feel normal again?"
This question or similar ones are usually asked when describing an
emotional roller coaster of frustration, anger, guilt, self-doubt,
fear of decision-making, panic attacks for some - to name a few common
reactions after having left an emotionally, verbally abusive partner.
Interestingly enough, all of the things a survivor feels are normal;
although, many of them may be unwanted feelings. However, if we think
about it, it doesn't take much to realize the reactions, emotions
or states of mind are quite normal in their own way. Any human being
who experiences these abuses has these reactions in common. Sure,
for some it is worse than others and symptoms may be more severe.
Read the posts of domestic violence survivors on message boards and
you will see a common theme. Namely, a situation where individuals
who have recently left an abusive partner come to vent their feelings,
express self-doubt about not being normal, ask questions about when
they will feel "normal" or better, and ask if anyone else has had
similar feelings. Replies from more experienced domestic violence
and abuse survivors offer validation of the feelings, encouragement
and comments like, "yes, what you are feeling is normal, we have all
been there", and then suggestions for helping to overcome these feelings
through healing.
The bottom line is, to experience abuse and the difficult emotions
that arise because of it, are normal reactions in any human being.
It may not feel very good, it's a struggle and an indication of the
need for emotional healing and rebuilding of self-esteem - but it
is indeed quite normal to experience these types of mixed feelings
after being conditioned and downtrodden with abuse by someone who
supposedly loves you.
Your comments and
questions about this article are welcome. Please leave them on
"The Survivor's
Post" message board forum. Thank you.
Copyright 2001-2003 by Kim Eyer
Kim is a domestic violence survivor and the owner of EyerStation
Web Development, which supports this website. She is the site
author of the Rhiannon3.net webpages. She and her husband incorporated
the Rhiannon3, Inc. nonprofit organization.
Kim has written a book, "Dear Lord, Deliver Me From This Hell",
about her domestic violence experiences. It is available in the Rhiannon3.net
Bookstore and the 2Survivors Bookstore at Yahoo. The 2Survivors Bookstore includes reviews by readers. All proceeds are donated.
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