Co-Dependency
Author: Joan Miller, Ph.D., © 2001

The word co-dependency is typically used to describe people who gravitate toward unhealthy relationships. Co-dependents live their lives through someone else. They feel controlled by others and they also feel the need to control others. Co-dependence is learned. It includes behaviors, feelings and beliefs which lead to sacrificing values and personal needs in exchange for love and approval of others. Co-dependents take responsibility for others and neglect their own wants and needs. They are caretakers out of the need to be perceived as worthwhile because they are desperate for approval. This differs from caretakers who feel good about themselves and help people out of choice. Most co-dependents appear to be strong and in control. However, inside they often feel inadequate and scared, and they desperately fear a loss of control. The need to control is usually an attempt to reduce their anxiety. Most co-dependent people have been raised in dysfunctional families. They were taught that they were not important. They were encouraged to set aside their own needs and wants, and take care of others. In most cases, they acted adult-like as children. People experience co-dependency in different ways. Typical characteristics include: An exaggerated sense of responsibility and yet difficulty making decisions. A preoccupation with others wants and problems, while neglecting themselves. This includes being compassionate and loyal even to those who might be hurtful to them. It also involves a difficulty knowing and expressing their own feelings - and yet having sensitivity toward others feelings. Others' attitudes determine their reaction and other people are responsible for their happiness. Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Co-dependents have learned that "love" and pain go together, and therefore they gravitate to needy or abusive people. They fear being rejected and hurt. They may appear nondemanding, but beneath this is a feeling of urgency for love and approval. There is a reluctance to trust others because that involves being vulnerable and/or asking for help. There is also a fear of abandonment, rejection and loneliness, and, therefore, the co-dependent will easily sacrifice their own needs to keep the relationship going. Perfectionism. Co-dependents set inordinate expectations for themselves, thinking that if they succeed they will gain worth. Because what others do is a reflection of themselves, co-dependents also expect a lot of others. Guilt, often felt when co-dependents stand up for themselves or are criticized. Co-dependents also experience discomfort when they are praised. A tendency to use food, exercise, work, sex, excitement, and alcohol or drugs to help deny problems and to numb uncomfortable feelings. The job of recovering co-dependents is to become "undependent." This involves learning to love, accept, nurture and take care of themselves. It includes realizing that they, alone, are the center of their own lives and that others, although important, cannot exist in the center of their lives. It also entails accepting responsibility for creating their own experiences and feelings; and at the same time not taking responsibility for the experiences and feelings of others. As co-dependents learn to love and trust themselves, they will discover they have plenty of energy to do what they want as well as to love others. If you would like to read more, the following are books about co-dependency: Beyond Co-dependency by Beattie Co-dependent No More by Beattie The Dance of Anger by Lerner Healing the Child Within by Whitfield Healing Together by Kritsberg Learning to Love Yourself by Wegscheider-Cruse Little Miss Perfect by LeBoutillier Lost in the Shuffle by Subby Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them by Forward and Torres Recovery from Co-dependency by Weiss Struggle for Intimacy by Woititz Women Who Love Too Much by Norwood Note: We have linked to the book titles recommended by Dr. Miller at Amazon.com for your convenience. Copyright 2001 by Joan Miller, Ph.D. Joan Miller, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in full-time independent practice on Windy Hill Road in Marietta, Georgia, a suburb of Atlanta. Educated at Greenville College, the University of Georgia, and Kent State University, she has been an educator for eight years and a psychotherapist for twenty-five years. Dr. Miller has shared this article from her website. Her website can be visited at: http://www.mindspring.com/~joanmiller/