Are
You a Domestic Violence Survivor?
Author: Kim Eyer, © 2002-2003
"Surviving" is a subject that brings up many questions about overcoming
domestic violence. Those who are in abusive relationships or who have
left abusive partners are often referred to as victims, former victims,
or survivors. To some, they are all just terms with common meanings.
To others, the terms may share a commonality in experience (domestic
violence and abuse) - but they indicate a different level of progress
or stage in a person's outlook on life and the role abuse is allowed
or not allowed to play.
In the opening text of my book, "Dear Lord, Deliver Me From This
Hell", readers find the following comment:
The
definition of "survival" is:
(1) act or fact of surviving; continuance of life; living or lasting
longer than others; (2) person, thing, custom, or belief, etc.,
that has lasted from an earlier time.
I have lived past domestic violence, I have outlasted that point
in time when I was a victim and moved past it. I found the person
inside myself who could not accept domestic violence and made it
past that stage in my life to find another way. In short, I regained
my self - my own person, welfare, interests and beliefs.
In 1991 I resolved to have a better life by escaping the abusive
marriage. I never turned back.
My intent in that
opening paragraph is to make one point clear - being a victim and
being a survivor are two different things. As the reader of this article,
I ask that you consider this concept. Why? Because those who have
moved past domestic violence are at a different stage of their lives than those who remain there - and understanding that difference
will help you to see how domestic violence and abusive relationships
are overcome by the individual, and ultimately overcome by society.
The difference in those stages makes all the difference in the world.
Not that one (a "victim" or a "survivor") is personally "better" or
more intelligent than the other. However, the connotations of the
two terms carries a significant difference in their meanings; and
therefore has definite implication toward the future of the individual
person and societal understanding of the phenomenon of domestic
abuse.
Surviving means more than just having lived through yesterday's verbal
abuse or last night's physical beating. It means more than just "you
are still alive today". For many, surviving means that you
have left the emotional, mental and physical captivity of an abuser
and have committed yourself to moving on to an improved lifestyle.
It also means you have learned or are learning a lot, and accept your
inability to change the impossible. It means you also see what you
can change and are committed to making that change.
So "what's a victim then?" you might ask. A victim is someone who
is still trapped in the relationship. Still trying to resolve the
problem and take accountability for the abuser's actions. Still feeling
responsible to solve the abusers problems in dealing with others.
A victim is still an emotional and mental captive to the abuser's
never ending book of tricks and deception. The mental and emotional
abuses still work - the victim is dragged back in time and time again
by:
- Guilt-playing
on the part of the abuser
- Accepting blame
for things they (the victim) did not do
- Believing they
can somehow help change something for a partner who wants no help
or cannot maintain their own committment to change their behavior
- Seeing the
failure as their own instead of the abuser's deliberate attempts
to make them (the victim) feel that way
- Enabling the
abuse to continue by hoping the abuser will change and remaining
or returning to the relationship
Some individuals
also remain victims even after leaving the relationship. They continue
to hope that somehow the abusive partner will change. They allow
the abuser to continue blaming them, lay unreasonable guilt on them,
violate restraining orders or protective orders, threaten them in
phone calls. In some of these situations, the victim seeks help from
social programs, a counselor or therapist or friends and family; and
then fool themselves by defending their hopes and disagreeing with
or not utilizing the suggestions and help given to them.
A survivor does not do any of those things. A survivor is a former
victim. A survivor faces their challenges and becomes empowered
by those same challenges. A survivor says to their self, "OK, I can't
change this relationship or the abuser, but I can change my life and
stop contributing to this situation." A survivor makes a commitment
to rid themselves and their life of the perpetrator (abuser). Whereas
a victim continues to feel helpless and accept blame, a survivor gathers
together their courage and demonstrates their strength in spite of
their fears.
A survivor stops listening to the verbal and emotional abuse that
tears down their self-esteem - and says "No, that's not true. I am
capable. I may be afraid, I may feel defeated and hopeless, but I
can change this situation by putting it behind. I will face that challenge
and I will not give up! I am not helping myself or the abuser
by remaining in this sick relationship." And that point in their life
is a significant turning point for the victim who becomes a
survivor.
Perhaps that phrase, "turning point", says it all. A survivor has
reached the turning point that a victim still cannot see. Reaching
that turning point and making the commitment to change their life
marks the place in time where one becomes a survivor and refuses to
be a victim any longer. That doesn't mean it's easy; that doesn't
mean a survivor wakes up one day and suddenly everything is "a piece
of cake" and perfectly clear. We still need support; we still have
to heal many emotional traumas from a myriad of abuses. We still have
to sort out a lot of confusion in our own minds. But that turning
point means we see our own mental captivity as a victim and refuse
to tolerate it any longer. A survivor breaks free of abuse.
And finally, many (not all, but many) survivors do one other thing,
sooner or later: They go back to help others. They take what knowledge
they have and their experiences and start sharing with others. They
reach out to victims with a helping hand. They try to help society
understand the problem. They support every "young survivor" (any person
who has recently crossed that same turning point) with hope, understanding
and the support they so desperately need.
I will always believe very strongly that being a survivor of
domestic violence means being a former victim, and having moved
on by putting the perpetrator behind them.
Your comments and questions about this article are welcome. Please
leave them on
"The Survivor's
Post" message board forum. Thank you.
Copyright 2002-2004
by Kim Eyer
Kim is a domestic violence survivor and the owner of EyerStation
Web Development, which supports this website. She is the site
author of the Rhiannon3.net webpages. She and her husband incorporated
the Rhiannon3, Inc. nonprofit organization.
Kim has written a book, "Dear Lord, Deliver Me From This Hell",
about her domestic violence experiences. It is available in the Rhiannon3.net
Bookstore and the 2Survivors Bookstore at Yahoo. The 2Survivors Bookstore includes reviews by readers. All proceeds are donated.
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