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Jennifer's Journey in Poetry
Jennifer's poetry chronicles her struggle through an abusive relationship
and her success in freeing herself to move forward. Her comments aid in
understanding the realization and strength required to survive domestic
violence.
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JENNIFER
Author: Jennifer, © 2002
Burning pain
Misery and tears
My heart torn by broken promises
Your lies echo through my mind
No place to run
No place to hide
I try to ignore my pain
Daily my tears flow
My beauty marred
My spirit crushed
Your anger
Your criticism
Your violence
I can do no right
I try to please, to make things acceptable
For you
To no avail
How to end my suffering
There is no respite
By you, my deep love forgotten
There are others who fill your thoughts
Who make you smile
A carousel forever turning
They care not, self is paramount
All egos blazing
Hour after endless hour they continue
On
Leaving me alone
Cornered, with nowhere to run
Only one can end this
Your refusal burning deep
Branding me, scarring my psyche
I pray to sleep eternally this night
For tomorrow brings more pain
And I can face no more tomorrows
No home to succor me
Who will care, responsibility is for
Those who accept it and try to make it right
I am here, my love is real, tangible
Yours to accept
Don't shut me out
Don't push me from you
For then there will be no more
Tomorrows
Only eternal peace
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Comments
by Jennifer
I wrote "JENNIFER" after I had lost all hope. I gave it
to the abuser in an effort to get him to see how much damage he
was causing. He critiqued it (he considers himself a writer) and
told me that though he considered it to be better than his writing
but a deep insult to him. He just didn't get it. He became very
angry. The next morning I just couldn't face another day. I took
first one sleeping tablet, then another and another. I was talking
to a friend on the phone and the next thing I remember was being
placed in an ambulance. I truly didn't want to die, I didn't think
about what I was actually doing. I just wanted it all to stop and
the effect from the pills was enabling me to become remote from
it all. Unfortunately the drugs affected my judgement and I ended
up in the hospital. During my recovery and the dreadful times I
have endured since I often wondered if those gentle, kind ambulancemen
had done me a favour or not. Now, I am beginning to think that maybe
they did.
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LOVE
Author: Jennifer, © 2002
The touch of your smile
I sense your hands reach
out for mine
you pull me close to you
your warmth, your
strength Flooding over me
Enclosed in your arms
At last secure in your
love
Would that the night
never end
That I might experience
this sense of peace for all
eternity
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Comments
by Jennifer
I wrote "LOVE" to try and make him understand how he made
me feel when he was being the loving individual I knew he could
be. Again, he just didn’t get it. His violence continued and
increased.
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SANCTUARY
Author: Jennifer, © 2002
Dreams of flight
Floating above all cares
All my sorrows left
behind
My soul linked by a slim
tenuous thread to those
who truly love me
Safe from harm
Asleep or awake
Safe from hurt
Safe from harm
Asleep or awake
I revel in its soothing
luxury
Cradled in the arms of
sanctuary
My place, My home
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Comments
by Jennifer
I wrote “Sanctuary” after he finally broke my sternum and
caused me permanent physical damage. By this time I had lost a child,
suffered sprains, bruises, contusions, bites etc, ad nauseum. I used
to hide in a cupboard in my garden shed, which I had rigged up so
that I could close the door from the inside so he couldn’t find
me. Can anyone imagine what it’s like to be a grown woman who
has a glamorous professional image as a Defence Information Technology
Officer who has to hide in a cupboard? But I did. I got tired of hiding
in churchyards, beside the river and in isolated parks in the cold.
I went to great lengths to hide the terrible homelife I led.
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Alone
Author:
Jennifer, © 2002
No
one to see my sadness
No one to calm my fears
My grief, heartache and tears burying me alive
My need to atone
No one to share in my triumphs, my happiness
That special bond created by two
Broken, shattered, beyond repair
To embarrass and discomfort not,
I smile.........my public face
To make happy those around me,
I laugh.........my public laugh
I strive day by day
That soon, I will be delivered from my drowning despair
That once again I may be whole
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Comments by Jennifer
I wrote this poem several months after I "got out". I was
feeling very afraid and alone. Afraid because I was terrified of the
abuser finding me and alone because no matter how wonderful and supportive
my many friends were and to this day, still are......I knew I had
to do some very hard things and I had to do them alone. No one but
no one could do them for me. No matter how sickening I found them.
I wanted with every molecule in my being to have both the physical
and emotional pain I was feeling, stop. I was also feeling guilt at
discovering my son had been mistreated by the abuser. My son and I
are as close, if not closer than before. The abuser failed abysmally
in his attempt to alienate me from my son. The abuser loses again
and will always lose because he is, what he is......a monster.
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SADNESS
Author: Jennifer, © 2002
Momentary feelings
I cannot control
Sadness, an abyss so deep
This burden I carry
I wish to throw from me
Unburden my soul
Release me forever from your damned clutches
The why
No response
Never answered
How can this grief be allowed to torture me
Have I not suffered enough….
I travel alone without onus
Then you invade my thoughts
Cruel,
Heartless,
Invasive,
Again, always no thought for others
My small happiness's
Gone
Crushed,
Grief too intense for words
Sobbing into emptiness
I insist you be purged from within my heart
Pitying you not
Leave me to rebuild my inner self
My goal
To be free from you at last
Beautiful Phoenix rising from the ashes of a love so vast
A love
Now lost, destroyed by you who know no love
A beautiful Phoenix never to die in true tradition
But continuing through the eons
Flourishing
My laughter true
My strength coming from deep within
Strong and proud
To lighten all those, whose lives I touch
Freedom to renew
Joy
Again reborn
I will continue
I will be
Me
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Comments
by Jennifer
“Sadness” I wrote recently to “try to get him out of
my head”. It has worked to a great degree. I think of him much
less than I used to. I guess it’s my way of purging my soul.
I’ve been out 14 months. I’m not proud of how I lived whilst
I was with him. In fact I find it hard to believe that I survived
like a wild animal but I did. Now, I live alone and every day I try
to motivate myself to carry out my physiotherapy exercises, which
enable me to minimize the pain from my injuries. I am determined he
will be made responsible for the terrible punishments he inflicted
upon me and mine. I WILL prevent him from harming anyone else.
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Copyright (c) 2002, Jennifer
Jennifer is a regular website visitor and "Survivor's
Post" message board participant.
Please also read Jennifer's poem, "The Women
Of Wajira", a tribute to the supportive group of women who assisted
her on her journey.
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