Stay or Leave? Go Back or Stay Away?
An Explanation
Author: Kim Eyer, © 2001-2003
Two of the most
frequently asked questions about domestic violence are (1) "Why do
they stay?" and (2)"Why do they go back to their abusers?"
As a survivor of domestic violence, and someone who stayed for over
seven years, I'll do my best to answer that question. I'm not a psychologist,
counselor or therapist; so don't be misled to think I am. But,
I've been there and lived it. My explanation is from the voice of
experience, and from listening to other victims/survivors, and exchanging
thoughts with them. My intent is to answer the question "why" and
at the same time, tell you "why it doesn't work" from first-hand experience.
To understand the answer to these questions, you first have to grasp
an understanding of domestic violence as a repeating and unending
cycle. It is not simply about beatings and physical fights.
It's a cycle involving systematic control that includes many other
abuses. Read our site section, Domestic Violence
Defined, if you are not sure what this means.
Victims of domestic violence come from many varied backgrounds. They
aren't all poor, they aren't all welfare recipients, some grew up
in abusive homes and some didn't. Many are women; there are a lot
more male victims than people realize, and sadly, many are children
and the elderly. However, all abuse victims share one thing in common
in the beginning of these relationships. That is, we don't understand
what is happening nor the dynamics and cycle of an abusive relationship.
And so, we get dragged in. Once trapped in the relationship, we
cannot "see" or it takes quite a while (and many abuses later) before
we start to see. Herein lies the answer to these two questions; the
reasons for "staying" and "going back" have their roots in this phenomenon.
- Believing
or hoping they will change and we can help them. This is a
biggie for many victims. It is the first big hurdle to overcome
if a person is going to leave, and one of the biggest challenges
for recognizing the need to stay away. In their heart, victims
love the person they know the abuser can be. We want to help them,
we see their struggle in life, and we want to fix the problem
in the relationship and feel we are responsible to help. The person
who becomes trapped in these relationships is kind hearted, giving,
and empathetic.
When the victim leaves or after abuses while they stay, the abuser
goes through sorrows, desperate pleas for forgiveness and endless
promises to reform. What we fail to recognize is the extreme emotional
and psychological problem these partners have. We are not qualified
to help them. What we end up doing, although it's not what we
intend, is enabling the abuser to be what they are. We believe
we understand, can help or make a difference, and so we stay or
go back. The truth is we become the enabler. We are the one who
enables the abuser to be what they are, by accepting and attempting
to forgive these abuses over and over. The victim is so deeply
involved in the relationship and the desire to help the partner,
that we cannot see we are perpetuating the problem. In reality,
we reinforce the behavior. Recognizing the fact that we cannot
change all this is the first step toward ending the relationship
permanently.
- Children
and Single Parenthood. This presents another problem and mental
dilemma for victims. Most people want their children to grow up
with both parents. This is our traditional belief that a child
should know and have two parents, both mother and father. It's
considered a shortcoming or misfortune that a child must grow
up without one of these two parent figures. In addition, single
parenthood brings with it financial challenges that are overwhelming
for many. Everyone wants their children's needs met - good food,
clothing, participating in activities such as sports or social
groups and much more. Many abuse victims stay or go back in the
hope of providing these things by making a personal sacrifice.
They make this personal sacrifice because they cannot see a way
to resolve a possible or existing financial problem - a problem
that will affect their children's lives - without the partner.
And too, there is the threat of having the children taken away
from them. Many abusers are given custody of their children. Yes,
it's incredibly true, many court systems hand over children to
be in primary custody of an abusive partner. Court systems and
judges look at circumstances and say "Well, the abusive party
was only abusing the spouse, but the children will have an upbringing
with better financial means with that parent." Guess what? An
abuser abuses children as well, brings them up to know abuse as
a way of life, and perpetuates the violence and abuse by creating
another abuser in the child. And yet, our child custody systems
fail to see this and assign custodial parenthood to abusers repeatedly.
Imagine being an abuse victim and facing the idea that you may
have to leave your children alone with an abusive partner as a
primary custodian, or in the best of circumstances, allow this
person to have visitation with them through court order. Ask someone
who's been through this and they will tell you it traps them into
staying or going back - or it broke their heart to leave.
What we (society) fail to recognize is the costly emotional damage
done to a child who grows up in an abusive home. These children
learn to either become abusers themselves, or they learn to choose
abusive mates. Oh, it's not a conscious thought for most. Instead
it becomes a learned, sub-conscious belief. Sure, many children
of abusive homes look back and despise the upbringing or the abusive
parent. But, inside of them is someone who is conditioned to believe
this is "OK", even if their conscious thought knows it isn't.
There are well-documented studies concerning this psychological
process and the result. See our Information
Section to get links to these studies available online and
read them.
- Personal
guilt and the concept of personal failure. In the beginning,
as I stated above, victims of abusive relationships believe they
can help make a change. More than just a change, it is a change
desired for someone we love. We become entangled and entrapped
by this. When we try harder without the desired result, we redouble
our efforts and try harder again and again. It is about belief
in ourselves, and belief in the powerful goodness of kindness
and mercy. Accepting the idea that we cannot change the relationship
and the problem the partner has in dealing with others represents
a huge personal failure. Here is something we want desperately
- to help someone we love and change both our lives and the relationship
- and to give this up is not acceptable to us. We don't want to
fail those we love or ourselves.
Added to this is the guilt-laden tactics of the abusive partner.
Abusers prey on this. They never miss an opportunity to "lay this
in front of" the victim relentlessly. It is part of the cycle;
keeping the victim in line by raising doubt about their intentions,
using their guilt about the children and their personal intentions.
This tactic works all too well on people who are kind, giving
and understanding.
- Fear of
what the partner will do. Many stay or go back out of fear.
Here are some examples of these thoughts:
- If he/she
does "this" now (violence and abuse), what lengths will he
go to if I leave?
- He/she
will deliberately embarrass me, accuse me of being crazy,
and accuse me of being an unfit parent.
- He/she
will turn my family against me. My family doesn't know what
I live with, they only see he/she being generous and kind,
I've been hiding it from them, there is no way to make them
understand.
- Women die,
they are killed by their abusive mates when they leave. I
want to live. I want my children to have a mother. Isn't living
(with anything) better than dying?
- He/she
is stalking and attacking me, I must go back to protect myself.
And of course, the abuser uses and feeds these fears as well.
My abuser used to say, "If we split up, I hope I haunt you." When
I ended the relationship; he stalked and assaulted me, threatened
physical harm, death and more to my family and I (which we all
knew he was capable of) to make sure this became a reality. I
didn't go back, but this tactic works on many victims - they decide
going back would be easier; their will is broken.
- Depression,
"burying of the soul". Domestic violence involves many emotional
and verbal abuses. The other abuses (i.e. economic hardship, physical
beating, sexual abuse, the children) are all used to add to or
reinforce as further measures of control. However, it's the emotional
and verbal abuse that can be hardest to withstand. The constant
battering of the victim's self esteem, humiliation, belief in
self, abilities and decision making take the greatest toll. It
reaches the point where the victim cannot find them self anymore,
cannot think, and is in utter confusion. The abuses do seem illogical
and wrong. Something in the back of our mind says it's wrong,
and yet it's real, its there. We cannot deny the fact that something
is wrong which we are willing to take personal responsibility
for.
After a while of living with this constant barrage on our character
and abilities, we sink into a depression of sorts. Nothing we
do is "right"; the result is never what we want or mean to accomplish.
We cannot see the abuser doing this deliberately (making sure
we fail and using it to control us). We lose our ability to relate
to ourselves and see reality. We become convinced of our own inabilities
and apparent failure. We think, "it must be true" because we look
at the result and see it as our own failure instead of what it
really is, the result of someone else's extreme measures to achieve
power and control.
What we don't see is how strong we really are. It takes
extreme emotional, mental fortitude and personal strength to endure
these abuses and unreasonable expectations. What do you think
is the "logic" behind the abuse of a war camp prisoner (i.e. people
who are abused in prison camps)? The idea is to wear the prisoner
down, work on their sense of anxiety and impending doom, and create
despair and heartache beyond emotional and mental endurance. This
is also what an abuser does in an abusive relationship. They wear
the victim down with self-doubt, humiliation through verbal, emotional,
physical and/or sexual abuses - and failure that brings depression
and loss of self. It is a key element of overpowering and controlling.
It is subliminal. And if you think my analogy to war camp prisoners
is a "stretch", I respectfully submit to you that most domestic
violence survivors are diagnosed with P.T.S.D (Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder), Depression, and Anxiety Attacks - the same things
that many prison camp victims are diagnosed with.
- Lack of
intervention. There are a whole multitude of people and entities
who are guilty of this lack of providing proper intervention.
This is the trail in our cultures: some victim's families are
non-supportive; the legal system is too slow to move on the cases;
victims are viewed as "having something wrong with themselves";
people think they're too busy to get involved. In general, these
attribute to one big societal problem - the general public
and the legal systems (in most countries) just don't "get it".
Most people (citizens of any culture) and family members don't
understand the cycle of violence. And because it's so little understood,
the cycle continues and repeats itself over and over again. Pardon
my frankness, but well, "duh?" when are we all going to wake up???
Well-founded personal
reflections�.
I will never forget my personal frustration with this whole incredible
societal problem from my own case. I'll give you examples, but understand
my case was not unique, and it happens everyday to countless victims:
When I reported his harassment and stalking, police and legal authorities
said, "well, he may be threatening, but until he does something we
can't do anything". Hello! - threatening and stalking are the first
step in "doing something" by the abuser! I remember the sinking realization
that I might have to be dead before anything got done.
The general public hasn't got a clue. This still amazes me. People
I talked with while going through this horrible ordeal had no idea
what domestic violence is and the cycle it involves. Even myself,
a victim for many years, was shocked and surprised to read how much
that relationship had in common with the cycle of abuse. I found myself
thinking, "It's so plain and clear, why haven't I ever seen this before?"
Like most people today, I was educated and knowledgeable about many
things, but not about domestic violence.
When my abuser continuously attacked, stalked, and harassed me, my
family said, "Move! Move!" Well, it seemed to me that I couldn't!
For as little as the legal system seemed to offer, at least I had
some concerned neighbors and a police system that knew about the case.
At least they could identify him, call police (neighbors) or "add
it to the list" (in the case of police reports). Do you know how hard
it is to bring evidence of domestic violence across State lines? I
know, because I had to do it - plain and simple, it was nearly an
insurmountable task. And worse, if I moved, it meant my family were
sitting ducks! Once he couldn't find me, there was no doubt he would
escalate violence against them. I certainly didn't want that!
Summary�.
And so, I ask you sincerely, as the reader of this article, "Why is
it so hard to understand why they stay or go back?" Everything is
stacked against the victim - the relationship, the abuse, the need
for personal fortitude beyond most human ability, traditional societal
values, public ignorance, the legal system, even the victim's own
beliefs and desires. And therein lies your answer to the questions
"why do they stay?" and "why do they go back?"
Victims have to accept the need to leave and stay away and forget
the concept of seeing the abuser's problems as their own personal
failure, and instead see their own true personal failure in the act
of staying or going back - and society must understand the phenomenon
and help bring change to what so unwittingly allows so many to inadvertently
become victims and remain trapped there.
I accept my personal failures - failure to see that abusive relationship
for what it was, my failure in unwittingly supporting the abusive
behavior by the partner, my failure in taking so long to find my personal
willpower and strength to leave, failing my family by bringing him
into our family circle. The acceptance of my own failure is what brought
me out of that hell hole and got me where I am today.
But, I also submit to you that the majority of victims who want to
leave - or who think going back may be a poor choice - stay or go
back because we have not taught people any better, and the victims
have no knowledge nor a support system to help them break the chain
of events. I mean no harm against the honest efforts of social programs,
social workers, advocates, other professionals in the field and concerned
family members. I'm just saying it is not enough. What few people
and programs who are trying to help are not enough - it is as much
a societal failure, just as it is a personal failure.
Your comments and questions about this article are welcome. Please
leave them on
"The Survivor's
Post" message board forum. Thank you.
Copyright 2001-2003 by
Kim Eyer
Kim is a domestic violence survivor and the owner of EyerStation
Web Development, which supports this website. She is the site
author of the Rhiannon3.net webpages. She and her husband incorporated
the Rhiannon3, Inc. nonprofit organization.
Kim has written a book, "Dear Lord, Deliver Me From This Hell",
about her domestic violence experiences. It is available in the Rhiannon3.net
Bookstore and the 2Survivors
Bookstore.
The 2Survivors Bookstore includes reviews
by readers. All proceeds are donated.
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