I've Thought About
Leaving - How can I do it?
The list below was compiled
with help from regular visitors to the "Survivor's Post" forum of our message
board. Thanks to AJ, Kiara, Lynn, Nancie, Sunny and Vella for the well
thought-out
posts that contributed.
Getting Prepared Emotionally
- Visualize yourself
having left, going through everything, where would you stay, how
would you feel, what would you do next, etc. If you start thinking through
the process and about your reactions, it will be easier to deal with
the reality of leaving.
- Decide if and
when you've had enough. You have to be sure that what you're doing
is the right thing for you and your children at the time. It's a big
change.
- Keeping a diary
or journal (hidden privately) can help. Many victims write journal
notes or diaries as a way to sort out their feelings and the situation.
It helps to have these notes to read through and reflect. If you keep
a diary, be sure it is in a well-hidden place and cannot be found.
- Realize staying
is not a long term solution to protect yourself, your safety or your
children's safety. The classic pattern of abuse escalates over time.
Think about what you want in your life and how you want your children
to grow up. Ask yourself if the relationship or family situation is
getting better or is it progressively getting worse.
- Realize that there
will still be problems to overcome if you leave and an abusive partner
may still try to control you through emotional, financial or other means.
Those who leave abusive relationships still face challenges; their
lives improve greatly by leaving but they know there are challenges
ahead and make a decision to face them. Many choose counseling or support
groups to help themselves meet this challenge.
Safety
Planning
The
key to safety planning is taking a problem, considering the full range of
available options, evaluating the risks and benefits of different options,
and identifying ways to reduce the risks. Here
are some tips:
- Gather together
any documents you may need. Store them in a safe place such a bank
safe deposit box, with a trusted relative or friend. Ensuring the documents
are available if you must leave in a hurry due to danger, or are actually
planning to leave, is important. Documents will help you in getting
assistance, filing other paperwork and protecting your interests. These
documents include:
- Social security
cards/numbers for yourself and any children
- Birth certificates
for yourself and any children
- Medical records
and immunization records for the children
- Marriage certificate
- Insurance cards
or policy numbers
- Bank account
numbers (checking, saving, credit cards too) and a copy of any recent
statements showing balances
- List of everything
of any value at all in the house that may later be needed for divorce
court or distribution of property
- Keys - house,
car, office, post office box, safety deposit box
- Drivers license,
car registration and title
- Medications and
prescriptions
- Passport, green
card, work permit and any other immigration documents
- Children's favorite
toys, security blankets
- Start putting
back a little money here and there, just enough that isn't going
to be missed. Be prepared as much as you can be financially.
- Mortgage payment
book, copies of current unpaid bills
- Pictures, jewelry,
items of sentimental value
- Pictures of injuries
you may have gotten from your partner's abuse
- Any evidence
that might help police in investigating your case, for example,
threatening letters or phone message tapes
- Is there anyone you
can ask to call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from
your house or apartment?
- If you need to get
out of your house or apartment in a hurry, what door, window, elevator
or stairwell will you be able to use in order to get out safely?
- Where can you keep
your purse, car keys and some change to make a phone call so that you
can grab them quickly?
- Is there a code word
you can use with friends, family and/or your children to alert them
to call for help? Do your children know how to use the phone to contact
police?
- If an argument occurs,
how can you get to a room where there are fewer things that can be used
as weapons? Avoid getting trapped in the kitchen, bathroom, basement
or garage.
Seeking
Help
- Counseling or
a Support Group - When you leave an abusive relationship, you need
support to help sort through the emotions, feelings of lost hopes, and
rebuild your self esteem and personal strength. Counseling and support
groups help many victims tremendously through this difficult time.
-
Let police help
you - What the police can do for you depends in part on what you
tell them or give them. Be as open as you can, help the police by
telling them all you can. Any statement you give to the police is
very important. Read your statement carefully and if there is anything
that is incorrect, ask the officers to change the written statement
so that it matches what actually happened. Sign it only when it says
what you want it to say.
-
Get a Protective
order or Restraining order - if you are afraid of your partner
or that you will be pursued, or if violence has been shown previously;
get a protective order. Many people think protective orders don't
work, but it is actually your first line of legal defense. Follow
up, if the order is violated in any way, file charges.
- Seek help and
support from local domestic violence organizations and shelters
- Programs offer safe shelter for victims and their children, resources
and contacts to legal help, court advocates
to assist you in court,
and counseling or support group services. Look in your local phone book
for these groups, call your local social services, or state or regional
domestic violence coalitions for help and advice.
- Legal help
- Investigate your legal rights and position. You should feel comfortable
when you talk to your lawyer and be sure that she/he understands your
situation and knows how to help. If you do not have confidence in the
first lawyer you speak with, you should seek another one. Your local
social services or domestic violence organizations can usually refer
you to a lawyer. Seeking legal help is particularly important to protect
your safety, child custody and financial issues. Know your rights.
- Family and Friends
- The first place an abusive partner will look for you when you leave
is with family or friends. Choose very carefully about where you will
stay. If you fear the partner will become violent, then chose a shelter
to protect everyone's safety. Ask your family and friends for emotional
support. Survivors of domestic violence and abuse need emotional
support. Be careful to ask those closest to you, who you feel the abusive
partner could never persuade. A survivor of domestic abuse cannot afford
contact with anyone who may side or feel sympathetic with their former
partner.
This list was developed by experienced domestic violence survivors
- women who have already been through the challenge of leaving an abusive
partner and made it.
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