He refuses to
let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry when it does.
He won't discuss his controlling behaviors and attitudes. He still
tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it. Defends
his behaviors He insists you just get past it.
He plays victim.
He says "How could you do this to me.?" He still blames
you for all the problems. He is overly charming, always trying to
remind you of all the good times you had together and ignore the
bad. He tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers.
All while trying to convince you that you need to stay together
to work it out.
He will not
get help or He says he'll get counseling or other help, but never
does. Or he does and tries to convince you that he's cured and you
need to take him back now. "Now that I'm in this program, you
have to be more understanding." Or "I'm learning a lot
from this program". If a man is pressuring you this way, then
as soon as he gets back in, he will most likely drop the program.
This is why it's so critical, if you're considering taking him back,
to watch his behaviors, to talk in depth, and to give it time. Sometimes,
instead of counseling they will suddenly claim to have found God;
he goes to church a few times.
He cries and
begs, they particularly like to do this in a public situation so
that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold hearted".
He does things
to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own.
or stalks you. If you ask him for space or time, he refuses to allow
you to have any and continues to make contact in any way he can.
Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing
up at work, hanging around family.
to restrict your rights. He still behaves as if he's superior. You
aren't able to express yourself and speak freely. He still demands
constant attention, won't allow you to take care of your own needs.
He still picks at you and criticizes you, and ignores your strengths
and contributions to the relationship. He doesn't support your independence,
still refuses to acknowledge that you have rights. He hangs on to
double standards. He is still denying you your fair share of the
marital assets, money. He puts his wants and needs above yours.
He doesn't recognize
the damage he's done. He gets angry with you over the consequences
you've suffered over his abuse. He's mad or seems confused as to
why you fear him, don't trust him, are hurt, and angry. He tries
to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something's
wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences. He behaves
as if he's above reproach. He claims that he would never hurt you,
despite that he's done many things to hurt you. He's mad that you
left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so. He still
acts like you owe him. He's impatient or critical with you for not
forgiving him immediately, for not being satisfied with the changes
he may have already made, especially if he hasn't made the changes
you requested, or hasn't changed but claims he has.
He's only concerned
with how hard the situation is for him, and no one else. He feels
sorry for himself. He doesn't show appropriate concern for how you
and the children feel about what he's done. Abuse does more than
just hurt, it is damaging, and if he doesn't show appropriate concern
for the damage he's done, then he hasn't changed.
He still does
things that are inappropriate for an intimate relationship. Cheating,
not including you in family decisions, hoarding all the marital
assets - money, property, cars, stocks, bonds, etc. and won't allow
you to have access to them.
He says he can
only change if you help him, he wants emotional support and forgiveness,
and give up your break from him.
He says I'm
changing but you can see that he's not. He gets angry with you for
not realizing how much he's changed. He gets angry for not trusting
that he's changed for good. Abusive men often say I'm sorry then
get mad if you don't immediately forget what they did, he thinks
his sorry resolves the matter and it should be dropped and you should
just move forward.
you into taking him back because he "can't wait forever".
He is rude about
you to the children.
and tries to intimidate you. The next step of behavior if you don't
stop trying to ask him to change is generally one of threats and
attempts to intimidate. This will often include threats to attack
family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out a contract
on you." Threats that he will take the children away or get
custody of them himself, or threats to kill himself. All signs that
he has no intention of changing how he is. This is then his choice
of how to live his life.