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Traits of a Malignant Narcissist
How Many Does Your Partner Have?
(For "he" also read "she" if the abuser is female)
1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR
skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by
making up diversions, new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned.
His memory is self-serving as he denies past statements.
Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal
anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door
when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be
inviting more lies.
2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns
around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements,
normal social/personal protocols are meaningless. This con artist
will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating
legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.
Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement.
Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.
3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs
his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade.
Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes
abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying
on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target
others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses
the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or
govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others.
A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience.
Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their
own Mephistophelean objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them
holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.
Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume
up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly
to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of
retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and
vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies.
4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male
or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his
targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for
his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have
a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands
increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behavior exists,
the one who withholds sex or emotional support.
Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade
you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality
to evade exposure of his own.
5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility.
Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take
the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.
6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer,
Serial Killer, Stalker, and Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder'
attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly
women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He
has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgment.
He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection
and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push
to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to
make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable.
Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand
you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.
7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against
each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful
at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his
way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from
seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other
people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel.
This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially
dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We
rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may
be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets
us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'.
Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious
of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.
8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name
it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or
sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.
Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.
9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows
who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off
our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies,
tastes, and habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and
sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears
helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It
never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims
suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy
the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship
and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches
to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite.
Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare.
Our healing is lengthy.
Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this
disorder. Know the red flags of their behavior, and "If he seems
too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him
see it. Be watchful for the Internet predator.
10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often
dirty, and unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to
appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,
11. THE SADIST is now the fully unmasked malignant
narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional,
financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious.
He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking
other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone
vulnerable.
Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality.
Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue
of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image
to lessen the reality of his disorder.
12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or
no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish
tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention
and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things
right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention.
Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name-calling, hatred are
his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so.
Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully
independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional
hurt. Violence is possible.
13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able
to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money,
attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets
the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.
Defense Strategy: Learn about brainwashing techniques.
Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.
14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from
his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.
Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own
good judgment. Say No.
15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything
usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous
if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure
or abandonment.
Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious
of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate
violence.
16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children,
his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention,
even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective.
He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut, as
he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear
pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears
the perfect father, husband, and friend - to those outside his home.
Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviors.
Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others.
Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.
17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruelest blow of
all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning
ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization.
It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his
cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to
him become objectified and expendable.
Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive
trained professionals.
18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing.
Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about
the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes,
corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while
portraying himself of high morals.
Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behavior.
Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a
church near you.
19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets.
Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying
"You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch
out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him
and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation
left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning.
Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious
of the intentions of others.
20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says, "I've behaved
horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears
to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims
we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words
and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks.
He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question
our judgment about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..."
We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting
attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if
we allow him back in our lives.
Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No
Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal
past abusive behavior to remind yourself. Join a support group
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