18 Early Signs
During Dating of a Potential Abuser or Batterer
The list below was compiled
with help from regular visitors to the "Survivor's Post" forum of our message
board. Thanks to Anna, Helen, Karen, Kiara, Lynn, Sunny for the wonderful
posts that contributed. Many examples of these early signs were also
provided in the posters' comments. Below the list are links if you would
like to read the message posts and examples.
-
Being overly needy
- always needing help or some type of emotional support from you.
Potential abusers often start out with a poor sad puppy or bleeding heart
type of behavior. They express feeling downtrodden, saying they always
come up short or mistreated by others. Always wants your help to fix or
overcome this "problem".
-
Makes decisions for
you without asking - about social plans, dinner menus, etc. You are
often not asked what you want or if commitments fit your schedule before
they commit you and your time or make other choices for you.
-
Bragging or excessive
boasting - potential abusers often try to impress by bragging on accomplishments.
Cocky, relaxed or arrogant in their own social circle, but may be uncomfortable
in yours.
-
Insecure around others/General
paranoia - May seem "normal" in conversations with you, but uncomfortable
around others you introduce him to such as your friends, family, co-workers,
etc. Potential abusers are often paranoid in general - of other's motives
or actions (including yours) in an unrealistic way, looking for hidden
meanings, unfounded suspicions.
- Invades your privacy
- shows up unexpectedly at your house, in social settings when you are
out with friends. Is generally "nosey" about what you are doing, who
your friends are, picks up and reads your mail when visiting you. Questions
you about activities in ways that seem unreasonable or intrusive.
- Ignores or disregards
your boundaries - pressures you in spite of your having said no
(to any thing/activity), appears to deliberately do things or treat
you in ways you have expressly said you dislike. Acts as though "they
forgot" when crossing a boundary you have expressed previously.
- Lies or Manipulates
you - Finding out you have not been told the truth about something,
often even simple things that seem silly to hide or lie about. Situations
that make you feel misled and you feel you were deceived for no reason,
that the truth would have been easily acceptable. Resorts to being angry
or evasive when confronted with the truth.
- Over-reacts, uptight
or twitchy - A potential abuser is over-sensitive to simple situations,
small comments, often seems "on edge" or uneasy for no reason. You may
ask "what's wrong" when they are obviously acting uptight, yet they
won't share anything, preferring to answer "nothing" or try to pretend
things are fine.
- Pushy with others
and/or you - Can't let others have their own opinions, must have
the last word. May cause arguments or take issue with others, often
over things that seem simple or not worth arguing over.
- Pressuring you
for sexual acts - these are often for sexual favors or acts that
you are uncomfortable with and/or dislike. Tries to point out others
"do it", swears they "can't help themselves". Ignores your wishes to
not engage in such activities. This type of behavior is about not being
able to control themselves sexually with partners.
- Feelings of discomfort
around their family/friends - Something about their close friends,
family members, etc. doesn't feel right. You often feel like a misfit
in their company, or perhaps that you don't really like these individuals.
Family members may seem harsh to each other, unforgiving or unreasonable
in their expectations, they may argue openly in front of you.
- Overbearing parents
or other family - Family members expect to tell them what job to
do, what to do for socials, what instruments and such the children/teenagers
should play, in general deciding what they should do and not do. Often
times eventual victims are pushed into marriage by the potential abuser's
family, as if it's ok to make the decision for you or assume marriage
on your behalf, make plans and arrangements for wedding ceremonies and
parties without consulting with you.
- Road rage
- Viewing other people's bad driving as a personal assault, like they
were doing something on purpose. Aggressive toward other drivers who
are minding their own business, won't allow others to pass, plays games
with innocent drivers just to annoy/aggravate them. Other drivers are
considered "idiots".
- Possessive -
dislikes letting you out of their sight, takes offense when others offer
you compliments, feels others are trying to take you away from them.
- Ignoring your
own gut instincts - when you have feelings of discomfort, misgivings,
yet you ignore them or brush them aside, constantly making excuses for
the dating partner's behaviors that seem inappropriate, or defending
them against others.
- Uses spiritual
beliefs or religion to pressure you into commitment - telling you
God has plans for you together, how you are meant to be together because
it was God's plan. Often this later leads to pressuring that you would
be disobeying God if you left the relationship.
- Disgruntled relationships
with previous partners - Abusers often have lingering discontent
with former girlfriends/boyfriends or spouses. Often they blame past
partners for relationship failures, deny past abuse charges or arrests
(may admit the legal action occurred but deny they were at fault), or
have constant arguments with former partners over the children (custody,
parenting issues) from these relationships.
- Stories of previous
anger, violence or abuse - Others close to them, often friends or
family, tell stories or relate incidents of outbursts or violence. Often
times to a future victim these stories seem unbelievable or out of character
for the new partner, the victim cannot believe the new partner could
act in such a way.
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15 Warning
Signs of An Abusive or Battering Personality
The following list has been compiled to help identify characteristics
of an abuser for those already involved in relationships. The behaviors
are more severe than the list above. Overtime, abuse will escalate, therefore
leading to more severe behavior and warning signs.
If your partner displays
a combination of these behaviors, he/she may be a batterer and abuser:
-
Quick Involvement:
Many victims of battering date or know their abuser for less than six
months before they are engaged or living together. The battering type
comes on strong, claiming, "you're the only person I could ever talk to,"
or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." He/she pressures you for
an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
- Jealousy:
An abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Excessively
possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly, suspicious of
your friendship and involvement with others.
- Controlling Behavior:
Questions you intensely about whom you talked to and where you were,
checks car mileage or checks up on you in other ways; keeps all the
money; insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.
- Unrealistic Expectations:
Expects you to be the perfect partner and to meet his/her every need
and/or the children's needs without help.
- Isolation:
Limits your involvement with family and friends; deprives you of a phone
or a car; tries to prevent you from holding a job. You try to keep the
abuser happy by not seeing anyone but him/her. You become truly isolated
with no friends or family you feel close enough to talk to about what's
going on.
- Blames Others
for Problems: Any mistakes made by the batterer will be blamed on
you or someone else. The job, the waitress, you, anyone - it's always
someone else's fault if any thing goes wrong. Everyone is out to get
him/her.
- Blames Others
for Feelings: They say, "You've caused this problem by making me
feel this way" or "You make me angry, I can't help it" instead of "I'm
sorry" or "Let's work this out".
- Hypersensitivity:
Is easily insulted. They'll rant and rave about injustices that are
just part of everyday living.
- Cruelty to Animals
and Children: Kills or punishes animals brutally, being insensitive
to their pain or suffering. Also, may expect children to do things beyond
their ability, tease them until they cry, or tickle them until they
hurt.
- Playful Use of
Force During Sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against
your will during sex, says he/she finds the idea of rape exciting. A
batterer may show little concen about whether you want to have sex and
use anger to get you to give into having sex.
- Verbal Abuse:
Constantly criticizes you or says cruel things, degrades you, swears
at you, name-calling.
- Rigid Sex Roles:
Expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.
- Sudden Mood Swings,
"Dr.Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde": Switches from sweet and loving to explosively
violent in a matter of minutes. Mood swings and explosive emotions are
typical of a battering personality.
- Past Battering:
Admits hitting men/women in the past but says the situation brought
it on. Legal convictions of past battering with another partner, but
denys wrong-doing.
- Threats of Violence:
Makes statements such as, "I'll hurt you", "I'll kill you" or "I'll
slap you", then dismisses them with "I really didn't mean it" or "I
was just upset."
When a partner is displaying
multiple warning signs and behaviors it is time to get help or get out.
Many victims do not realize the safety hazard of staying. Call your local
law enforcement agency for shelter information. Visit our Domestic
Violence Information section for links to State Agencies with hotline
numbers and other information.
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